Develop Porn Character

Larry Cowsert. Speaker and Author of “Character”

Introduction: Welcome to Porn Talk with powerful Eric, end the porn habit, reclaim your power. Here’s your host, powerful Eric.

Powerful Eric: Hello, powerful people, welcome to Porn Talk, this is powerful, Eric. The purpose of this show is to help you end the porn habit and reclaim your power, but this is not just about breaking addictions, it’s about breaking belief systems. We are bound by self-imposed and societal chains, break the chains, get empowered now. Today we are going to talk about how to develop and discover the extraordinary character within you. Yes, you. I am so excited about today’s guest, Larry. Cowsert. The definition of a renaissance man is a very clever person who is good at many different things. Larry is truly a modern day renaissance man; Larry’s list of accomplishments is so vast that I don’t have time to list them all. He started his first year of college at age 17 studying music and drama, he became a father at 18, he now has five children and five grandchildren. In the eighties, Larry rode camels near the pyramids in Egypt and said prayers at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. In 1992 he started a successful, unique software company called New Star Collaborative Technology. In 1999 he was contracted by Honeywell Aerospace to develop medical diagnostic applications for long duration man space flight, which could possibly be used for the upcoming Mars missions. He is friends with astronauts and even met Jim Lovell from Apollo 13 Fame. In 2002 he started a recording studio called 12 Bar Productions that became wildly successful, hosting Grammy winners and platinum selling artist from New York, LA, and the Midwest. During all that, and up until today, he serves as a business consultant, coach and private counselor to many executives in companies. He has written over 100 business plans and even won an award for the best business plan of 2001. He is the author of the book, “Character: Lessons Learned from a Character about having Character”. Now, he is a writer, speaker and coach helping people discover and unleash their extraordinary character. Ladies and gentlemen, help me welcome Larry Cowsert.
Larry: Applause, gosh, I didn’t know I had all those attributes. Thank you Eric. I appreciate it.

Powerful Eric: You’re welcome and like, I said, I didn’t even list them all, those were just some highlights. Tell the listening audience a little bit more about yourself, where did you grow up?

Larry: I was born in a tiny little town on the Ohio River called Rosa Claire. They are in what is called the Shawnee National Forest and I was born there, born at home. An interesting little insight, my grandmother delivered me, at our home. That was my introduction to the family. We lived all over Southern Illinois, my mother and father pastored a church the day they got married and my father stayed in the ministry, in fact, still is at 88 years old. So, we moved around an awful lot and, in fact by the time I graduated high school at 17 years old, I think we had lived at that time, we had lived in, I think it was nine towns, fourteen houses. I don’t remember what all the statistics are, but we moved a great deal. So I, I started doing things in business and at a very early age, started realizing that I was doing a lot of reading and a lot of research and just had this incredible thirst for knowledge and it turned out that, I was able to translate that into other things as I grew up, got older and not necessarily wiser, but, I got older and more experienced and experience leads to wisdom.

Powerful Eric: Moving that much had to be challenging, how did you cope with that?

Larry: It was incredibly difficult. In retrospect, at the time, you know, as kids, water rolls off our back, you know, we think about things like that, but our perspective, when you’re 8, 10, 12 years old, your perspective is the weekend or next month. You know, Christmas is five years away, always, rather than just a few months. In those days it didn’t manifest itself within me, visually, subconsciously it had a real effect on me because it was difficult, as I got older and older, I’ve realized that it was not so much difficult to make friends, but I didn’t want to make friends because if I got very close to somebody and they became a very good friend, the odds are within six months to a year of that date, we’re going to be moving somewhere else and I had to start all over again. So, I reached a point where subconsciously I was saying, okay, I’m going to be nice, I’ll be cordial, but I really don’t want to make friends. And I remember the first time, the first very close friend I had was in the first grade. And I can remember him to this day, I even remember what he looks like. And that was Richard Brown and, Richard and I, were kindred spirits because I was born legally blind and when we were in all in the Illinois where my father got his training and hospital administration, there was one black family in that entire town and that was the Browns. Richard was my age, he was in my class in first grade and I was an outcast because if somebody threw a ball at me, you know, during recess they hit me in the head because I didn’t see it coming. And I was wearing these incredibly thick glasses and I was kind of a geek. I wanted to be like my dad, so I was going to first grade in a starched white shirt and a tie and of course that, you’re asking for a beat down, you know, I had, at the time I didn’t think about it, I wanted to be like my dad, but all the other kids are like, who do you think you are? But the only other kid in class who I was relating to was Richard Brown because he was an outcast. I mean this is 1956, okay. And so, here’s this young black boy and me, and we were inseparable, we were very close friends. I remember a couple of people from Mcleansboro, Illinois where we lived about three years after that. I don’t remember any of the other people in my class. I don’t remember any names of the towns, until 1962, when we moved to Benton, Kentucky. And, so from the first grade to the seventh grade, I can remember one name and because I just got to the point where I’m like, it’s too much trouble.

Powerful Eric: The guys that are listening to this now, their way of coping, is with sexual acting out, pornography, things like that. It’s been said, there’s a quote, “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection.” Now, Larry does not have challenges with addictions, but he’s an expert on character, and so what do you think about that? “The opposite of addiction is connection.”
Larry: Actually Eric, I would almost say that I created an addiction within myself. I was addicted to not creating friendships, I put myself in a position where I didn’t want to be hurt emotionally, I didn’t think about it at the time. And in fact, it was, I was far into my adulthood before I realized it and what really triggered it for me or opened my eyes to the thing was, in a conversation, I was having with some friends in messenger on Facebook. I was talking about the fact that I, you know, it was just a shame that I hadn’t made more friends. And some of the people that had friended me on Facebook were saying, “man, we want it to be your friend, but you just seemed so distant.”
Powerful Eric: Man, you know, the word that’s coming to me, two words are coming to me right now, being vulnerable and intimate. And I don’t mean intimate in a sexual sense, you know?

Larry: I understand. I know exactly what you mean.

Powerful Eric: Vulnerability and intimacy, and I know from the work that I do, a lot of people with abuse, that’s the wall they put up. Like they don’t want to be intimate with anybody, they don’t want to be vulnerable to a relationship.
Larry: There was a book that I read in 1970, it was probably one of the most profound communication books. The title of the book was, “How to have Intercourse without Getting Screwed”.

Powerful Eric: Oh, that’s priceless.

Larry: And we lose the, we don’t think about the fact, you know, somebody says intercourse and immediately our mind goes to the bedroom between the sheets. And the fact of the matter is any involvement is intercourse a conversation is, intercourse, working on your computer is intercourse, you are transferring data to and from. So, it’s an exchange. Intercourse is simply an exchange. That’s the other thing that, after reading that book, it also helped enlighten me a bit that during all those times, it wasn’t that people didn’t want to be my friend, I wasn’t being friendly. So, I was, it was my fault, it was purely within me. Like, anything that we do and that’s what I have discovered about so many people and in doing my business counseling, my opinion is that the addictions that we create are to substitute for something that’s lacking in our lives. And it’s not, well without putting too fine, that’s your area of expertise. But what I find in talking with these men and women who are talking about these problems, they have put themselves in a position not to accept the reality. They are single minded of purpose, you know, this was caused by them, if you watch the mainstream news or anything like that, they’re telling you, you know, you’re either this or this and you know, if you don’t agree with them, you’re all outright. And if, you know, and if you listen to a different in another station, and if you don’t agree with them, your socialists left. And that’s just not true and if we buy into those external forces, rather than looking inside ourselves and saying, “Hey, who am I really?” “What drives me?” “What makes me happy?” “What makes me content?” “What bothers me?” “How do I feel about this?” And, and now, now we’re getting back into that. I had a few of these, dozen or so, who started calling me their business therapist because, and I just got to that question, you know, “how do you feel about that?” That’s kind of the joke of being a psychologist, you know, and, “how that make you feel?” And, but that’s exactly what we get down to at the end of the evening, as I’m having these conversations with these people, or I’m letting them do the monologue and then if there’s input that I have, I give it. But the question always becomes, well, “why do you feel that way”? And when I asked that question, it forces an answer, it forces them to look inside themselves because now it’s about feelings. You know, they’re coming at me, we’ll here’s the logic of it. You know, this fact, okay, those are the facts that you’re dealing with, but how’s that make you feel?

Powerful Eric: Yeah, we are actually emotional, we make decisions actually based on our emotions, people think that we’re logical creatures, but actually we’re emotional creatures.

Larry: That’s exactly right. There are those of us who can look at things pragmatically because of the circumstances that we live in. Others look at it purely from an emotional position because of the circumstances they’ve lived in and so that’s that, all left alt right sort of– You’ve got those who “it’s no big deal” and then you’ve got those, “Oh my God, the world is going to come to an end in 12 years”. You’ve got those people on either side and it’s all because of how they perceive their life and the circumstances that they’ve had to live in.

Powerful Eric: And Larry, you clearly have crafted a great life and great character yourself. What suggestions do you have for someone who’s struggling in life, either with addiction, divorce, hardships, things like that?

Larry:  Well, this has just popped into my head, but as far as addiction, when I became an adult, this is when I’m 23, 24, 25 30, I’m working in the business world. There was a 180-degree polar shift that occurred and how I was doing things because suddenly in my twenties I wanted everybody to be my friend and I wanted to be everybody’s friend. So, I would take people at face value. I didn’t look beyond that moment in time to say I’m not so sure about this person. So, I made friends with a lot of people that I probably shouldn’t have. I–

Powerful Eric: People with shady character?

Larry: Shady character would be a real good way of putting it, ill repute. And what caused me to back away from that was it’s something that, my grandfather had told me years ago. And that is if you have more close personal friends, than you can count on one hand, then you don’t have any because you’re telling too much to too many. And the other thing that he would say is, “hey, look, if they’re talking to you about somebody else, they’re talking to somebody else about you”. So, I, and I let those rules fly out the window and I started, you know, oh, this guy is such a great guy, he’s a such a close personal friend. When did you meet him yesterday? And so, that was, you know, that was an issue that was, that shift that I went through and I had to readjust, you know, the pendulum swung the other direction because I was so desperate. So, my addiction at that point became grasping for friends. But what ultimately occurred, we had, I see all these people who have these great and wonderful attributes. They are good people and they’re doing good things, but they submarine themselves. You know, they, they’re doing it and not, not because they want to. I don’t think there’s, I don’t think there’s a person who says, I’m going to go to the boat tonight and lose every time dime.

Powerful Eric: Well, let me, let’s change gears here. How does one develop character, and can it be learned?

Larry: You can’t learn good character just by sitting down and reading a book, character. good character is with in every single per, unless you are a psychopath.

Powerful Eric:  Okay.

Larry:  Somewhere down inside a psychopath buried behind all of that garbage that creates that mental condition is good character.

Powerful Eric: Yeah.

Larry: Getting to it is you need one of those bombs they used in Iraq. It goes through 15 feet of concrete to get there because you’ve got to go through all that psychopathy, if that’s a word, but you’ve got to get way down deep inside there and then you’re only assuming that you can make it work because there’s so much baggage.

Powerful Eric: Boy, what you’re talking about there I can totally relate to because when I was deep in the addiction with porn, I felt like I was just buried in crap.

Larry: Yeah.

Powerful Eric:  And like the real me was just completely buried and I felt worthless and helpless and shameful and it was just, you know, the good parts of me were just completely buried.

Larry: And that is what happens to everybody to a greater or lesser degree. We, some of us because of our upbringing can be I as an example, I think racism is an addiction. I think it is an addiction and it’s an attack on character, on your good character. If you are a racist, it is a bad character trait. And there are character traits, we’ve all heard that term and we can all have good character traits and bad character traits. It’s like that old story about the Indian chief talking to his son and he says inside you are two wolves, there is the good wolf and the caring wolf. And then there is the evil wolf that will fight and kill, and the son asked, which one is stronger? And he said, it depends on which one you feed. And that is exactly what character is all about. We, if we are building up those quality character traits and using or even subduing or trying to eliminate the bad character traits, we will become a better character. The problem with so many, and I am, what I’m, what I am now trying to do is work with people to discover their good traits and their bad traits. If you don’t know what the bad traits are, if they truly are not brought to the surface to say, here are some of the like showing up late constantly, that’s a bad character trait. It’s a trait. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means you don’t have enough respect for whoever it is you’re meeting with to be there on time, let alone early. So, it’s a bad character trait. The, so you have to identify what the good ones are, what the bad ones are, then you need to start working you, you spend 80% of the time building up those good ones.

Powerful Eric: Yes.

Larry: And 20% of the Times decreasing the banker.

Powerful Eric: Yes, and that’s why I’m doing the show is because frankly, most addiction programs out there focus on starving the bad wolf and not feeding the right wolf.

Larry: But here’s, here it is using that same analogy, here’s what I have come to realize. Starving the bad wolf just makes it angrier and causes it to fight harder. And it’s a human trait. If you are backed into a corner, it’s fights or flight that says a lot about who you are. If you get to the point that you’re, it’s fleeing, then all that’s doing is damaging your character even more, because now you perceive yourself as a coward. So, you’ve done even more damage by walking away or running away. I, so, I believe strongly that you, you feed the strong character as you build them up, you use the more, if you are using your good character traits more and more and more, there’s less time to use the bad character traits.

Powerful Eric: Yes. Is it ever too late to develop character?

Larry: No, absolutely not. I, in fact, I mentioned in the book, I talk about my grandfather going to a funeral because for those who haven’t read the book, and we’ll talk about the book, it may be a little later if Eric’s kind enough to bring it up. But, there’s one chapter in there where my grandfather goes to a funeral of a guy he hated in my grandmother was confused by the fact, and she was like, you hated this man. Why you going to his funeral? She’s said, he says, I want to make sure the son of a bitch is dead. Pardon? Pardon my French. But when he, the fact is when he got there, and that was a terrible character flaw for my grandfather. He, this man hurt him. He, he did him an injustice and it not, it didn’t just hurt him my grandfather. The problem for my grandfather was it hurts his family. It hurt my grandma, it hurt my aunts and my father. So, this guy had no use for the, my grandfather had no use for this man. But when he got there, and he saw this man’s family in the pain, they were in, it softened his heart. He realized at 58, 60 years old, whatever he was, wow, I’m not the only one that’s hurt. You know, they, I, they will never see him again. And his, it softened his heart and it changed his character about that. And he took a little different approach from that point on about how he thought about people.

Powerful Eric: That’s awesome and that is in your book Character?

Larry: Character.

Powerful Eric: So, let’s talk about that. What are some of the projects that you’re working on now these days?

Larry: Oh, well, obviously,” Character Lessons Learned From A Character About Having Character.” That’s, about things that I, and that’s on Amazon right now, on iTunes, and I books and a lot of bull–

Powerful Eric:  And I have both the physical copy, which if you can see here on YouTube, have got that and I’ve got the audible version. It’s a great, really a great–

Larry: Well, thank you. I really appreciate that. I, it was a lot of fun doing it. Because it brought back a lot of great memories and a lot of the lessons that I learned in that period of time, the, I’ve had a lot of demand, not just from the readers of the book, but from family members who have said, well, remember when he used to say, thus? So, there’s a book 2 coming out of all these things that he would also say, but I’m also doing, I’m coming out with a YouTube channel, or there’s another book called “Extraordinary Characters”, and it is interviews with people from World War II vets who were on the beach at Normandy to those who helped liberate the death camps, to those who were on the beaches of Iwo Jima and watched the flag go up. There are, people who survived those death camps that I am interviewing. I’m interviewing some astronauts, buddies. I’m interviewing. But these are people. It’s not just, these are not people who are extraordinary people per say, they are people that have the extraordinary character to have survived or to have overcome or to have lived through or to have experienced extraordinary things in a great or humbling or frightful circumstance. They’re not famous. They’re not household names. You know, we talk, we can talk about Elan Musk or we can talk about, you know, I met Jim Lovell and Jim because of the movie Apollo 13. The name Jim Lovell became a famous name. But that’s the fame that he got from a failure. By the way, let’s not forget that Apollo 13 was the most successful failure in aerospace history. They, but it was a, it was a group of brilliant men who caused them to be able to come back. So, there were a thousand extraordinary characters involved in bringing those men home. None of whom really are known by name.

Powerful Eric: There’s a little quote I like to say, “failure equals opportunity” on guys that are struggling with addiction and that in the, you know, they fall off the horse and we say, you know, failure equals opportunity. And that’s just what they did.

Larry: We need to go back with whether it’s porn, gambling, I, and I’m not taking away from porn because I know that’s a bit, that is a huge star. It’s one thing to go out to one of the casinos and see people sitting there playing blackjack or what. Porn is not something that’s a public display, It’s something that as we were talking about earlier, it’s in the dark. It’s in the quiet, you don’t want It is a, it is probably much more prevalent than we even realize. I mean there was a reason that 30% of the websites on the Internet are porn sites.

Powerful Eric: Yeah.

Larry: When you consider the billions of people that have web addresses and have email addresses and are on the Internet and members of Facebook and all that sort of stuff and there’s that much porn, somebody buying it or borrowing it or sharing it or whatever the case may be.

Powerful Eric: Yeah.

Larry: So, it is far worse than gambling. It is. Oh, and by term worse, I mean more ubiquitous, it is a much larger thing than probably drugs and alcohol and gambling combined. But it’s done in the quiet. It’s like that. It’s, you know, the guy who is out at a party and drinking and over drinks, is not the problem. In his, he is not experiencing a problem. He needs to control that. But the fact of the matter is the guy who is the real problem is the guy who’s sitting in a one room shared or you know, an apartment or something like that and he’s drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels quietly by himself. And that is what I would equate to the guy with the porn, with the laptop sitting in his bedroom. And so, those are frustrating things that they are all issues and none of them is, none of them deserved more or less attention. But what we have to do is be able to recognize the fact that it is a character flaw, and there’s nothing was in it I think. Well in fact, it, even Jimmy Carter, when he was running for president, did the interview in playboy and he said, I would be lying if I said I didn’t look at a beautiful woman. And you know, and a lot of people said, you know, I’m going to vote for that guy because at least he’s honest, you know, because that’s, you know, that’s, men were built for that.

Powerful Eric:  We are biologically hard wired.

Larry: Exactly.

Powerful Eric: Tell me, how does someone get on your YouTube show, Lunchtime with Larry?

Larry: Once a week I will be interviewing somebody, of extraordinary character. Not that they’re famous, but they’ve just done cool things or are cool people. So, to get on the show, contact me, my email address is larry@larrycowsert.com. Cowsert is spelled C.O. W. S, like in sunshine, E.R.T, like in Tango. But, larry@larrycowsert.com. My website is larrycowsert.com, I tried to make it easy for everybody. It’s going to be huge because it is going to start promoting my seminars, workshops and training sessions that are called extraordinary character. And it is, as you mentioned at the top of the show, how I can work with people to unleash that extraordinary character that is within them. We all have it. There is not a person out there who does not have extraordinary character within them. They just need to number one, recognize that it’s there, number two, nurture it, number three, stop feeding the bad character that’s in there, and then number four, rise to occasions that they never thought were possible.

Powerful Eric: Larry, I cannot thank you enough for coming here for this interview. You really are an extraordinary character. I’ll close with the quote from Zig Ziglar who says, “you are designed for accomplishment, engineered for success and endowed with a seat”. Stay powerful my friend.

Narrator: Thanks for listening. If you’re struggling with porn or sex addiction, then contact eric@powerfuleric.com remember, you are powerful.

Listen to this episode https://www.spreaker.com/user/powerfuleric/porn-talk-season-1-episode-3-with-larry-

 

 

 

 

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