I was just speaking with a new client. He is very well off. He is very successful and he has a lot of money, but he is miserable. Why? Because he can’t stop compulsively, masturbating to porn. He doesn’t feel congruent. He doesn’t feel on the inside what he projects on the outside. On the outside everyone sees the happy, healthy billionaire, but on the inside, he feels like shit. I’m no billionaire, but I can relate. I remember giving a presentation in front of a large group. I was talking about having a mission, passion, persistence, self-responsibility and attitude. Then I had a flash in my mind of me masturbating to porn the night before, and I got tongue tied. I recovered, but I knew it was because of porn.
Have you had this experience? You meet someone new socially or in business. You shake their hands. Your confidence is lacking because you know, you were just whacking it to porn. Perhaps you give the dead fish handshake. The dead fish handshake can indicate a limp dick penis. Sometimes I just feel like, oh, that person knows! They just know what I did last night!
Here are my top 10 reasons to quit porn.
10. You will gain No-Fap super powers. (No fap means no masturbation )
Some no-fap superpowers are: having a clear mind, being able to focus easily, having a stronger healthier body. I’m going to do a whole podcast just on the no-fap super superpowers. So we’re going to move on to number nine.
Bad Habits have Bad Friends.
If you are compulsively, masturbating to porn, more than likely you have some associated bad habits with it. For example, I would compulsively masturbate to porn all day, sometimes not even eating and then going out and binge on fast food afterwards. How about you? One of my clients it was smoking. That was his associated bad habit. What other bad habits do you associate with viewing pornography? Perhaps compulsive gaming?
Porn is bad for kids.
Have you heard of human trafficking? Human trafficking is sex trafficking and sex trafficking works hand in hand with the porn industry. Kids are often trafficked. When you are viewing porn, you are fueling these sex traffickers. Often the sex portrayed by sex traffiicers is violence against women.
Porn lowers your vibration.
What does that mean? Our bodies are electric. When you compulsively masturbate to porn, you are literally lowering your vibration. Are you trying to hide the porn? That lowers your vibration? Are you shameful about the porn? That really lowers your vibration? Would you want what you’re viewing to be on the news? Would you be proud to teach your kids what you’re doing? If not that all lowers your vibration. Does your gut tell you this is wrong? That lowers your vibration. When you walk into a room, do you raise the vibration or do you lower the vibration?
Porn can change your sexual preferences.
Maybe you started out with straight porn, then started watching transsexual porn, and you went from transsexual porn to gay porn. Along the same lines. You build up a tolerance to porn where you need something harder. I started off with Playboys as a kid, and I ended up with transexual porn and bukkake. Or perhaps your sexual taste and tolerance build up to the point where you’re seeking illegal porn.
Porn can break your penis.
Porn can lead to porn induced, erectile dysfunction (P.I.E.D.). That just means you’ve watched so much porn that you cannot get it up with a real live breathing, human being. Your penis broke. The largest demographic taking the little blue pill to get it up now is 20 year olds because they’ve watched porn since they were a little kids. Along with that is premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation. In short porn can break your penis.
Porn leads to depression.
When you view porn, you’re receiving a massive dump of feel-good chemicals like dopamine. You receive so much dopamine over time that porn is the only way that you can feel good anymore. Porn can numb you to every day pleasures and excessive porn use can also lead to social anxiety. Like I was saying earlier, I felt like the people I was talking to knew I was masturbating to porn.
3. Porn waste your time and waste your life.
I have spent countless days, weeks, months, and years of my life compulsively masturbating to porn. I call it burning days. Plus, you’re killing your productivity. For example, if you’re in sales, instead of prospecting are your masturbating? Is that, going to hurt your bottom line? Or maybe instead of doing your schoolwork, you’re compulsively, masturbating to porn. Is that going to affect your grades?
Porn also cuts into your sleep time. I would stay up late at night, viewing porn and then have to wake up early the next day to go to school or go to work. I call it a porn hangover. There’s nothing worse than a porn hangover. You turn into a porn zombie. Porn also kills your free time and it kills your time with family and friends. I can’t tell you how many times I skipped family and or friend events to stay home and compulsively, masturbate to porn. There was always a direct correlation for me. If I was compulsively masturbating to porn, I was not pursuing my goals and dreams.
Porn kills relationships.
Porn isolates us from almost everyone. Porn stops us from reaching out to real live people. I can remember countless times choosing to stay home and masturbate to porn rather than go out. Or I can remember going out with friends, seeing an attractive young lady. But choosing not to approach her for fear of rejection, instead of face that rejection, I chose to go home and masturbate to porn. Porn destroys marriages, according to a association of attorneys that deal with divorces. They say that porn is cited as a contributing factor to 47% of all divorce cases. Wow. Porn can also fuel your lust for real world affairs. Are you going to let your marriage become one of those statistics?
Porn destroys your self-esteem.
Some men in pornography videos have incredible physiques with six pack abs and …well…a …horse cock. Sorry, it is true. I asked myself, how could I compete with that? Porn destroyed my self-esteem. It lowered my motivation, it weakened my willpower, killed my creativity and made me feel shame.
A quick recap of the top 10 reasons to stop viewing pornography. 10 you’ll gain the no-fap superpowers. 9. Bad habits, beget bad habits. 8 Porn is bad for kids. 7. Porn lowers your vibration. 6. Porn can change your sexual preferences. 5. Porn can break your penis. 4. Porn leads to depression. 3. Porn waste your time and waste your life. 2. Porn kills relationships. And number 1. Porn destroys your self-esteem.
These are just a few, there are many more reasons to quit viewing porn. Are you spending a lot of money on porn? The rich client that I was talking about at the beginning of the podcast, figured out his reasons to quit porn. What are your reasons to quit porn? Do you have the courage to do something about it? E-mail me your top reasons to quit porn. If you do, I’ll send you a FREE copy of my audio book, Everything You Know about Sex and Porn Addiction is Wrong. Subtitled The 21 myths about sex and porn addiction. Drop me an e-mail at email@example.com.
I will close with a quote from Zig Ziglar “You are what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind, but you can change what you are and change where you are by changing what goes into your magnificent mind.”
Eric Zuzack aka Powerful Eric is former Porn & Sex addict. He has personally been there. Eric struggled through countless 12 step meetings for almost two decades with little success. Then he discovered the science of mindfulness to quit porn. That is when powerless Eric died and Powerful Eric was born. He is now a certified Porn & Sex Addiction Recovery Coach. Eric is also the host of the #1 porn & sex addiction podcast “Porn Talk” available on Spotify & Apple Podcasts. www.PornTalk.org & www.PowerfulEric.com
Powerful Eric: The purpose of this show is not just about breaking addiction, it’s about breaking belief systems. We are bound by self-imposed and societal chains, break those chains and get empowered right now. And today we have somebody that’s going to help us break those chains. His name is Tony Fonte, he is the author of “New Beginnings”, he’s a coach, author, and speaker and most importantly, a dad. Inspired by the tragic loss of his wife in 2011, and the many life experiences he walked through, Tony began a journey of intense personal growth and vulnerability. He believes that life is a journey, not a sprint, and hopes that new beginnings will help you enjoy the ride. Help me welcome our spiritual comedian, Tony Fonte. Welcome, Tony. Tony Fonte: Hey, how you doing?
Powerful Eric: I’m good. I’m excited to have you here. Expand a little on my intro I said for you.
Tony Fonte: Being a comedian like that, but being a spiritual comedian, people might say what the hell is that, I use spiritual truths to help people awaken, but I use it using comedy. So, it lightens the mood. So, everybody who is uptight, is going to relax a little bit more. Even the ones who don’t want to relax, they just have a clenched cheek and they’re walking around funny, it’s just going to piss them off more, but that’s okay. But the design of the spiritual comedy is really to make light of the societal and cultural stuff that we have, and the generational stuff that we deal with, to make life and it’s making fun of my own life too. Yeah, making fun of myself as an angry guy, an insecure guy, a toxic guy. And a narcissist at times, right? And I wasn’t the greatest dad before. And I can make fun of myself now.
Powerful Eric: What do you say to the people that are very religious, and take offense to things very easily? Like if you say the wrong thing about their God.
Tony Fonte: God didn’t say, oh, shit, you got to have clothes on now. No, it’s the shame and guilt that did it. Powerful Eric: That is a fantastic point.
Tony Fonte: Shame and guilt is not God. That’s religion, that’s the dogma part of it.
Powerful Eric: And shame and guilt is what fueled my porn addiction since I was a child, shame and guilt. Now, I am old enough to take responsibility for my actions now, and as a child, too, but shame and guilt was the bedrock.
Tony Fonte: But until you know better, you’re doing the best you can. So, anybody who’s listening, no matter if you’re dealing with an addiction, it doesn’t have to be a porn addiction, right? You can be addicted to your beliefs too, that just now came to me.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. Tony let’s change gears. So, I was talking about growing up feeling a lot of shame. And in your book, you talk about your relationship with your father, how he didn’t show up to your high school graduation. When I read that, honestly, I got teary eyed, I really did, for whatever reason. Well, not for other reasons, I know why it touched me, because my father is a great guy and he did the best he could. He loved me the best way he knew how, and he was, just say unavailable. From the research I’ve done on people with addictions, especially sex and porn addiction. If they were abused, or in some form, you know, maybe had an angry father, that was one thing, but if they were ignored, that was much worse.
Tony Fonte: I always back in the day, I just wanted my dad to be proud of me, I just wanted my dad to love me, because it never seemed like he was there, he always seemed to favor my brother, which my brother was a mess too, obviously. But, my dad was so disconnected, when I was young my mom used to tell me stories, that you know, your dad really showed you love when you were younger. But then when you got to a certain age, he stopped showing love, and at the time, I didn’t know what age that was. My dad couldn’t even tell you because when this book came out, he didn’t know I actually wrote a book until three days before it was published. And I had this feeling, and it says go set your dad free. I heard this thing coming and saying go set your dad free. And I’m like, what are you talking about? Go set my dad free? Go tell him, thank you. Oh, no, I can’t do that, my dad and I don’t have that relationship, I can’t do it. Maybe if we were a lot closer, and I’m like, no, and it kept pushing me and pushing me. So, I had to go out to his house, anyways, I was helping him with some stuff. And I got a little bit nervous, because this voice, this source was pushing me heavy and it was not going to let me go without actually having this conversation with my dad. So, I get there and my daughter, Kylie, she’s in there. She was going to watch a movie, and my dad went outside to smoke, and I go, oh, this is perfect time. So, I’m going to get it over now, because I am so nervous, I just want this over with. And, and I went outside, and I said dad, very fast too. Dad, I have something to say to you, it’s going to make us both uncomfortable. So, I’m going to say it and get it over with, and he looked at me like, okay. And you see him kind of tensing up, because he’s not used to opening up. Hardcore Italian family, his ass was kicked, right. He’s the oldest, he had all that onto him too. So, he was just didn’t show emotion. So, I go, thank you. And he goes, thank you for what? And I said, thank you for the way you raised me. And he immediately got defensive, I showed you love when you were younger. And I said, hold on, Dad, I am not here to beat you up. I said you don’t need to defend yourself. And I said, thank you for the way you raised me, and this still gets me emotional, because it was very powerful. I said because of the way you raised me; I am who I am today. Because of the way you raised me, I am the dad, I am today. Dad, because of the way you raised me, I get to do what I do. Which allowed me to write this book. You wrote a book? Yeah, it’s going to be published in three days. What the fuck? I mean, it was. And I’m like, yeah, and I go, and you’re in it. I did not mean to beat you up, because it could come across that way, which is to share the story because I’ve been able to release him. But I finalized it this way, I said, Dad, because of the way you raised me. I know now what not to do. Thank you. And he just goes, huh? And then all of a sudden I heard this. Ask him if he was ever shown love. Oh, fuck he, I’m surprised he was this vulnerable. I’m like, there isn’t no way he’s going to answer that, but I’m not, because I know where that got me. So, I go, were you shown love which as a kid? Immediately he says no. I went, wow. He goes when the boys got to a certain age, but he didn’t tell me the age. When the boys got to a certain age, you stop showing them love because that’s not what men do. That’s been passed on for generations, and generations, and we wonder why men are so disconnected. We wonder why men have a fucking porn addiction, sex addiction, drug addiction, whatever addiction, I mean, alcohol addiction. I mean there’s gaming addiction, I mean there’s so many things you can get addicted to. Why? Because we’re trying to hide the pain, because we’re taught not to fucking feel, that’s what causes problems, that’s what causes freaking shootings, that’s what causes fuckin abuse.
I mean, disconnect because men can’t feel, generationally, failed men years ago. And there’s now a shift, the earth is shifting, and the universe is shifting, the whole fucking planet is shifting. And especially women, women are gaining their power back, that divine feminine, which is absolutely fucking powerful. That’s where creation comes from and is now demanding men to show up in their freaking divine masculine, not just toxic, painful masculine. And I’ve cured it, actually I had someone tell me that. One time I was on a podcast, he says I think it’s awesome what you do, because I’ve never seen anybody do this. Because you have the cure for toxicity.
Powerful Eric: What would you say to the people that need to lighten up? How do you go about doing that?
Tony Fonte: Well, first and foremost it’s becoming aware. Because you can’t change anything, you can’t shift anything without first becoming aware that you have a struggle, that you’re challenging, lighten up, that you’re so stuck in your pain, and you’re projecting it on other people, and it’s actually keeping you from living fully. This is where the whole laughing through life came from. And you’re holding on to that pain, become aware of what you’re doing. And instead of seeking outside of you, go in, all the answers are within you. Who your true source is, whether it’s God, whether it’s the universe, whether it’s your highest self, I use them all? I use God and the universe interchangeably.
Powerful Eric: But instead of going into yourself, why not just get a six pack, get liquored up, or go on a porn site for a couple hours?
Tony Fonte: Well, let me ask you this, Eric, when you did it, did your pain go away?
Powerful Eric: In the moment that I was doing it, but immediately the moment I was done, I felt shame, remorse, and guilt.
Tony Fonte: So, what you’re saying is, by drinking that six pack, by injecting those drugs, by smoking that joint, by having addiction to pills, by having the sex addiction, by going from one relationship to one relationship with an addiction. What you’re telling me then, is that it’s temporary.
Powerful Eric: Correct.
Tony Fonte: It only temporary eases the pain.
Powerful Eric: Very temporary.
Tony Fonte: All it’s doing is treating the symptom. What they’re doing now, is they’ve been doing it little by little, so they were comfortable with this pain. They’re comfortable with it, just numbing the pain just a little by little, but it’s actually more painful because it’s prolonged over your whole fucking life, versus you go in and deal with it and heal it, it’s going to fucking hurt. But guess what’s going to happen? Quickly, you’re going to have freedom on the other side of that, more peace, more happiness, and I’m talking about lasting happiness. Lasting happiness, where now you are in control of how you react to the world, it’s not about responding. Because now you can be out in the world and things can happen and you’re not triggered. But the thing is, I want you to know is when people are triggered is when they get pissed off, right? Oh, that person pissed me off. No, he didn’t. You had anger inside you already. And has nothing to do with the other person, oh that person hurt me. No, all they did was stir the pain inside you.
Powerful Eric: I had a lot of anger inside me. And to be honest, I still have a lot of anger to get over. It’s a process, it isn’t just, you know, done. I’ve come a long way for sure.
Tony Fonte: Can I stop you just for a second there? Powerful Eric: Yeah. Tony Fonte: You don’t get over it. You get through it. You can’t go over it. You got to go into it. It’s like saying, well, I got to get to the other side of this mountain. So, I’m just going to try and go around it, and you’re going to keep hitting a wall. It’s like, no, you got to go through that thing, and own it. So, not only do you become self-aware, as you take responsibility for your life, that’s probably the first, before even self-awareness, is to take responsibility, because you’re not a fucking victim. You play a victim, you’re going to be bad around by life, all day long, the rest of your life, because you’re not a victim. No one’s a victim. Everything happens for you, not to you. So, stop thinking that life is happening to you.
Powerful Eric: The word responsibility means that we have the ability to choose our response, and you’re right. If we hold it out, if I say to myself, I am responsible. Then when someone or something out there makes me mad, then I am choosing that response because I am responsible. How does one choose a more laid back or happy, or how do you laugh at some of the absurdities of life, you know when something really pisses you off? And I don’t want to talk about either side of the political realm. But somethings really make you angry. How do you tighten up about that?
Tony Fonte: The idea, when someone makes you angry again, it has nothing to do with that person. Even in the political realm. I know we’re not going there, but even in political realm, people I mean, on both sides are throwing hate, right? Hate is being thrown around. It has nothing to do with the president or government or who is in that freaking office, any of those. All it’s doing is triggering the hate that is already inside you, something about yourself is being triggered. Again, the outside world is a reflection of us. And if you’re being triggered, it’s a pain point inside you that you have not wanted to deal with. So, when you have hated and you reflect that hate onto another person, guess what they feel? They feel that hate and guess what they do? They respond with their own hate.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. And that’s one of the things talking about raising our vibration. That’s one of the things that is happening big time in the world, it’s that all these things that have been hidden for a long time, for example, racism, we thought, at least honestly, I thought that racism was much better, that’s easy for me to say. But honestly, I thought it was doing pretty good until events of the past couple of years have exposed that oh, my gosh, racism is alive. And well, in the good old US of A, it’s showing ourselves that, hey, there’s still a lot of healing to be done here. And for myself, I’ve talked about, the anger, Eric you still have a lot of healing to do.
Tony Fonte: Yes. And if so, when you start healing yourself, and you sit back, right, you almost rise above because you’re not in it now. So, our life is a movie. And everything you see, outside you, they are all players, they’re all actors, they’re all scenes, right? That’s how it works. So, if you are not happy with what you’re seeing on the freaking screen of your life, your show, you have the power to recreate it, to rewrite the scene. Hey, Kevin Hart tried it this way, and then they redo it, right. But then they went out and they had the before the movie actually gets released, they had a pre-screening, and have some people coming out and they see it, you see it all the time happening. And then you hear the response on certain scenes or the ending of the movie. And then they get the feedback from the audience and saying, we didn’t like this, we go, we would like this. And guess what they do? They’ll go back and reshoot part of the movie and then re edit it. You have the same power to do this with your life. Powerful Eric: Okay, and let me interrupt you there, because that’s in your book. And that is something that I have been working on, it’s reframing things, looking at things from a different perspective. Tell us how did you do that with the death of your wife? And if you could tell the listeners, because obviously, I know the story from your book. But can you tell the listeners a little bit about the death of your wife? And–
Tony Fonte: Yeah. My wife died in 2011, unexpectedly, she had an overdose on pain meds. And of course, it was an accident, she didn’t do it intentionally, but she was using prescription drugs, not in the way they were intended, and it killed her. And I found her dead in the basement, on the couch, she went to sleep, but I found her dead. And I was left to raise my five year old daughter at the time. So, when I first went through it man, I was a mess, trying to figure this out, trying to make sense of it. It’s like a big nightmare, for like the first two weeks, it was crazy and I’m going back and forth between anger and sadness. And I mean, it was just a mess. But one thing I did learn was to embrace those emotions, feel them, then I was getting mad because I should or shouldn’t be getting angry, right? Like, that’s just stupid. You’re feeling the emotion, feel it. People are like oh, you shouldn’t get angry, you shouldn’t get angry. What the fuck not. Don’t invalidate my emotions. Don’t invalidate anybody’s emotions, why they’re having the emotion can be looked at. But the fact is, someone who’s having emotion is real. And then I would have moments of laughter and having fun, then I felt guilty. I’m supposed to be sad. And there’s times that we hold on to grief, out of shame and guilt, our own shame and guilt of who we thought we were with that person, of holding on to our own shame and guilt, because I’d rather hold on to this grief. Because I don’t want to forget this person. I see it all the time, people are that way. And I felt that way for a long time too, as I’m going through the motions, and the stages of grief at that moment. And it was really over the past two years that I really started embracing my wife’s death. So, when I first wrote the book, I was like oh, my wife’s death is the purpose, you know, the purpose of writing this book, helping somebody, I am coaching people. So, therefore that’s the purpose of it. And it wasn’t until last year, and this is not in the book, this is just last year. The real purpose, because as we evolve, as we continue to heal and go deeper and deeper into those with more truth and what we’re ready for, start showing up. It came to me, because I’ve been raising my daughter, she just turned 14. So, I’ve been raising her nine years. She was five years old, and she’s 14 now. So, I’m raising a teenager which is a whole other set of lessons for me. Which is awesome, because not only does it show me how much I’ve grown, but now that she’s becoming more independent, it’s teaching me things that I still need to heal, and it’s absolutely amazing. So, my daughter has been my greatest teacher, but here’s the cool part and I’ll get to this. So, my wife died, her purpose was to die to save me. And let me go a little deeper than that. She gave me a daughter to raise by myself, which for the first few years, I was still an angry fucking asshole. I tried to love, but I can only love to capacity. But I was also trying to control everything in my outside world, if it didn’t go my way I would freaking snap. My daughter was afraid of me. And guess who I was afraid of? My own dad. We are supposed to be the protector and the one person that keeps them safe, and here she wasn’t, she loved me, but she was absolutely afraid.
Powerful Eric: How did it make you feel? In your book you say that one day she said to you, she said, I want a new mommy, when is God going to bring me a new mommy?
Tony Fonte: Yeah. One thing she taught me because you know, as men we want to fix, right? You know why we try to fix why it’s, quote unquote, ingrained in us to fix? Because we don’t want to feel the emotion, because we don’t know how to handle it, because we’re taught not to feel. That’s why men want to fix, they want to solve it right away to get away from it. Because fucking emotions scare them. This is my world; she’s taught me that some things we just can’t fix. My daughter has taught me to get in touch with my emotions. Because there’s times I just had to hold her and say, I know, it sucks, but we’re going to make it through because we’re a team, we got this. But it’s okay to feel that way. I get it. I know, sweetheart. But in the right time, it’ll happen. And I had to just be there with her. And just hold her while she cried. And allow me to open up emotionally. So, that’s the number second thing, my wife died to save me, because she knew this whole energy. I mean, she really came here to meet me, to go through what she did, to give me a daughter, to die, to save me. Because it took that girl to wake me up. Three years in after my wife died, but it took that girl to wake me up. And she’s been my greatest teacher because now I know what girls need, ultimately what women need. They don’t feel safety and security from a physical protective thing. They don’t feel safety and security, about the fucking money that I bring in. They could care less, but that’s what we’re taught as men. You’re the provider, you go out and do this to justify this. And if you’re not doing any of this, you’re not a fucking man, bullshit. Who I am on the inside makes me a man? And no one tells me what kind of man I am. I do, I can be homeless. And how I show up for my daughter determines what kind of man I am. And that won’t ever break. We can lose everything. And her love for me, won’t freaking waver because it’s how I show up for her. That’s a man, how I show up for myself, that makes me a man.
Powerful Eric: And no, it also makes you a real man is that you get pedicures with your daughter, right? That says, real men get pedicures with their daughters.
Tony Fonte: Yes. And I tell you what, they’re absolutely amazing. First time I had one I was like, holy shit, why am I missing out on our own? I thought I was less of a man, that’s gay if you do this, that’s just stupid, you can be secure and do that. But if you know what, even if I had a wife, I would do that with my daughter because that’s what she loved. And that’s time with my daughter. But man, actually I would go get one without her because I mean they’re that good, really good. So, yes, that’s what makes you man. Go get pedicures, learn how to paint your nails, having tea parties, just doing the things that you may not necessarily like, but she loves. And it lets her know without saying a damn word, that she matters, because I promise you my daughter does not have that to go through her head. I wonder if I matter to my dad, I wonder if my dad loves me. She knows without a fucking doubt.
Powerful Eric: I’m the same way with my son. I’ve got two sons but one’s a baby. But my five year old, I don’t want to paint my dad in a bad light, my dad was a great guy, he did the best he could, he loved me as best as he knew how, he never ever said I love you or anything like that, and hugging him was always awkward. They were painful. I mean, it’s kind of hard to describe. They’re painful. And–
Tony Fonte: Yes, my dad is actually like that. You really can’t hug my dad; he would flip out. What the hell is that?
Powerful Eric: Talking about that old story. In your book, one of your action steps says to change the meaning of your past experiences, view them as learning experiences to help you grow instead of chains that hold you down. What would be an example, like with your wife? Changing the meaning of that experience? Can you elaborate on that?
Tony Fonte: Yeah. So, it’s any experience that holds us down. So, I mean, like, for instance, I used to have this aversion to the word stupid. I couldn’t stand that word. If someone jokingly called me stupid, I get pissed off. I get pissed and ready to actually, sometimes I would get in a fight, because you call me stupid. And why did I hate stupid so much? Because, I was called stupid growing up, that I would never amount to much. That was just fucking dumb. And guess where that came from? My dad’s dad, it got passed on and passed on, anger runs in the family, it’s because it’s passed on and passed on, no one broke the fucking cycle. It wasn’t until me, to break the cycle. My brother’s had major heart attacks. He’s 48, he’s had three heart attacks. He has a different put in, he had a bypass, my dad had five heart attacks, triple bypass. He’s having heart failure, he’s dying, because he’s living in the suffering, because he feels he needs to suffer for all his shame and guilt, for how he raised us, how he treated my mom, and all the fucking pain that’s been passed on to him. But by me healing myself, I’ve allowed my energy to reach him, and he sees how I’m living now. And my energy reaching him has actually allowed him to heal some. But it’s still his choice to fully heal, if he will choose us to. Because as we raise our vibration, if anybody is in our vicinity, automatically is going to raise their vibrations. But the problem is, all those lower stories are going to come up, and they feel when they’re with you, they feel that negativity, they’re like, oh shit, I don’t like the way I feel, this person is causing it and they react to you, trying to get you to come back down. Or finally they stop resisting, and they start working through it. But back to the word stupid, I used to get pissed. And it wasn’t until one day someone says Tony, just change the fucking meaning. I finally let go of the attachment, the identity to that word, stupid. And then you know what I did? I went in and healed the story, and forgave myself for holding on to that pain, for that bitterness towards my dad. And then I forgave my dad, at the deepest level, not mentally, for his play on that, and holding a conviction against him, because he felt that energy. And as I’ve healed, he feels a different energy from me. Because I no longer have that dignity, that attachment what I needed was the love, that I now can fully love that man, knowing that he utterly destroyed me as a kid, and most of my adult life because now I see the same pain that he inflicted on me, was inflicted on him, the only difference is, I was able to break the cycle. And, because I broke the cycle, not only does it heal generations past, I have forever changed our family tree.
Powerful Eric: That’s awesome. Our dads have some similarities, and one of the things that one of my spiritual teachers had, she said that people can only love from what they’ve been taught and the toolbox they have, she has always talked about the toolbox. Some people have really tiny toolboxes and some people have really big toolboxes. From the way that my father was raised, his toolbox on showing love and affection was very, very small, and he did the best with the tools that he had. Sounds like your dad.
Tony Fonte: Same thing. But here’s what I want to drive this point home, because we can sit here and blame our parents. Your parents may have fucked you up, somebody, teachers, something, they may have caused you trauma, but it’s not their responsibility to heal it. It is your responsibility to heal it. What happened to you is not your fault. But it is your responsibility to heal it if you want to move forward. It’s no longer your parent’s responsibility.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, but it’s a lot easier for me just to blame them than to take responsibility to heal myself.
Tony Fonte: Of course. It’s a lot easier for you to go drink versus deal with the pain, have sex with someone to deal with the pain. Look at porn to deal with the pain, take drugs to deal with the pain. It’s a lot easier to do that than it is actually, but it’s slowly killing you. It’s like the frog, I know you’ve heard that story. You put a–
Powerful Eric: Hey Tony, we need to wrap up here. I just want to mention before we get going here, one day, I was walking by this building, my wife and I and they were having laughter yoga, it’s yoga and all they do, it’s a group of people that get together and they laugh. And it sounds ridiculous, but you know, just the health benefits alone of laughter is very well known. And I’ve never gone to a laughter yoga class, but it sounds pretty cool.
Tony Fonte: I think I want to go try this out. I love laughing.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, it was in Kirkwood. It’s called laughter yoga; I don’t know if it’s still around anymore. But Tony, tell everybody how they can get ahold of you.
Tony Fonte: Yeah. So, you can go to my website, www.tonyfonte.com, that’s F, as in Frank, O- N- T-E, www.tonyfonte.com, that is where laughing through life is, which I call laugh your way to total transformation, which is not your typical personal development.
Powerful Eric: Well, Tony, it was awesome to have you on. I look forward to finishing your awesome book. You can get his book, “New Beginnings” off on Amazon. And I’ll close with this quote, from Zig, who says, “you are what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind”. You can change what you are, and you can change where you are by changing what goes into your mind. Be powerful folks.
Outro: Thanks for listening. If you’re struggling with porn or sex addiction, then contact Eric at powerfuleric.com or call 314-717-0377 for a free no obligation consultation. Remember, you are powerful.
Powerful Eric: Alright Mary, you ready? Welcome to Porn Talk, this is Powerful Eric. The purpose of this show is not just to break addictions, but it’s about breaking belief systems because we are bound by self imposed and societal chains, break those chains, and we’ve got a person with us today that’s going to help break some of those chains. She’s a little rebellious, I guess you could say because she is a ex nun. Her name is Mary Feagan, she’s an author, she’s a poet, she’s a teacher and the reason I have her here today, I’ve come to know Mary and she’s a really interesting person. In fact, I’d go so far to say, Mary that, I like to use this term, renaissance man or renaissance person. Everything I’ve learned about you; I consider you a renaissance person. So, welcome to the show.
Mary Feagan: Thank you. Thank you for inviting me.
Powerful Eric: Absolutely. Please share a poem that may help guys addicted and/or their significant others.
Mary Feagan: Grandmama God, what about sex? Should I want it? Do you bless it? May I have some? What’s it for? Mary– and this is grandmama God speaking, “Mary my child, sshh child, slow down and feel the buzzing in your ear, then feel the buzzing in your body. That buzz is sexual honey, it’s life itself. You are alive daughter of mine. You are alive because of sex. You are alive because of wanting. You are alive because of desire, because of longing, because of yearning. You are alive because your mama and your daddy were each lonely by themselves, they wanted connection, union, communion. Sex is the celebration of folks longing for union and its continual communion too, if you dare to live in ecstasy. Mary, my daughter, ask me another question. You know, the question all daughters dream of asking. Don’t be shy girl, I want to tell you.”. Grandmama God, please, do you ever have sex? “Oh, Mary, granddaddy God and I live in continual communion. We live in ecstasy, we are that ecstasy, we are that love, that sex, that exuberant meeting. Every minute, every second, we find each other in the dark and come together. Every minute Mary, every second sparks fly, and stars are born as we unite in joy. Granddaddy God and I, why, come to think of it, sex is all we ever do.”.
Powerful Eric: Incredible Mary, absolutely incredible. I’ve heard that before and oh my gosh.
Mary Feagan: It still surprises me.
Powerful Eric: I mean, this is priceless, it really is. There’s so much there. Your poem has like 100 means built into it, I’m not kidding. Like, wow, that’s absolutely incredible. I mean–
Mary Feagan: That poem still surprises me. We are called to live in ecstasy, I believe it.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, and see, that’s the thing about pornography, people, of course, are naturally drawn to it. It’s a natural, biological thing, it’s a natural thing. And so, and it can be used for good or it can be used for bad and that’s one of the challenges I have with the show is, I don’t want to say, “You are doing a bad thing.”, or, “I’m doing a bad thing.”, it’s just that for me, it became very, very unhealthy and addictive and I actually had wished that I wasn’t exposed to it, it was negative. Now, there’s other people that can be exposed to it, and put it down and be fine and go on their way, but I know for a fact there’s millions of people that can’t. And where it gets really sad and disturbing is with sex trafficking for pornography, and young kids, I don’t want to shame myself anymore about it, I don’t do it anymore but I still don’t– I don’t want to shame myself and I don’t want to shame other people too, that maybe still in the midst of it. Because sex is a natural thing and your poem at the very end there, saying that–
Mary Feagan: “Granddaddy God and I, why, come to think of it, sex is all we ever do.”.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, sex is all we ever do.
Mary Feagan: Connection is all we ever do, union. Now, maybe pornography isn’t always connection, it could be self love but it could be disconnecting.
Powerful Eric: Right, exactly. And that’s what’s missing there, it’s the connection, for me, I was disconnected. It disconnected me from people and places and myself. I’m trying to get away from judging it as bad or negative and that it just is, and it affects people differently, and for me, it was very negative.
Mary Feagan: It’s so much like chocolate, chocolate can be used for good or bad.
Powerful Eric: You could have a little chocolate, and that’s fine. It’s the saying as, ‘A candy bar a day keeps the doctor away.”, isn’t that what it is?
Mary Feagan: That’s right, that’s what my grandmother used to say.
Powerful Eric: It’s not a candy bar, “It’s an apple a day keeps the doctor away.”, right? A candy bar a day may, you know may not be such a good thing. And, Mary, we, you know, I’m 49, you’re, and give me your perspective on pornography.
Mary Feagan: Well, I really liked what you said a little bit might be alright. If somebody is single and wants a little bit because they want to masturbate and get that sexual tension out or even just for self love, if that can be a form of self love, and it’s not four times a day or something, it seems healthy.
Powerful Eric: Right. One of my very good friends, he’s got a young boy that he’s raising. he caught him with pornography, you know, he didn’t shame him, he said that, “You know, this is a natural thing you’re doing but you know, you got to be careful. It is addictive.”.
Mary Feagan: Right, so is chocolate.
Powerful Eric: Yep. So is chocolate. Is there maybe one or two more poems that you want to share?
Mary Feagan: And I think I know this one by heart, we’ll see. Don’t know. I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. I say no to the judge in me that wants to try just one more case. I close the books, then for the hell of it, I burn them. My inner courtroom is in ashes. I take the blind, old judges’ hand, pat his bottom like I’m sending a sleepy child to bed. He shuffles off to rest in peace. I’ve pulled the rug out of my mind and now the bottom drops out too. So, here I am in the dumb wonderland of my heart where I know nothing and understand nothing. Gee whiz, it’s quiet for a change. I just don’t know.
Powerful Eric: Amazing. I cannot tell you how happy I am to be putting your material out there. It needs to be out. I mean, I know you are putting it out there too. but I’m glad to help.
Mary Feagan: Thank you. I’m really honored and grateful for this time with you really, really. And this is the poem I’m going to say at church this coming Sunday. It’s called party of one. One Friday– I should back it up, I lived in Atlanta a long time and I was an elementary art teacher my last seven years there. So, that was during this that time. Okay. One Friday, I drove from Atlanta to Hilton Head Island. I attended an art teachers’ conference at that lovely place. That evening, I dressed up, found my way to a fancy restaurant, signed my name and waited near the bar for a table. Soon the head waiter summoned me announcing loudly, “Feagan, party of one.”. I stood up amused and embarrassed. I blushed, grinned, looked at the floor and followed him. What He really said to me is this, “Mary Feagan, it’s high time you claim your joy.”. Well, I’m practicing, I practice being alone and full of life. I sit still and feel the buzz inside me like a celebration. Love is the hostess, I’m the guest of honor and my body, really, my heart is the party place where I turn off my mind and feel my body’s breath, it’s heartbeat and its hum. As I arrived, dear friends popped up from behind the furniture, “Surprise, Mary!”, they called, they clapped and cheered for me. My family and church– and the church folks drop in too. We celebrate together like it’s the fourth of July, when love is in charge in my heart, I’m a party of one.
Powerful Eric: Party or one, love it. Mary, you are such an interesting person. You obviously teach art classes and the reason I know that because I was in one of them, it was awesome. To me, art is a form of mindfulness and a lot of people think of mindfulness, they think of meditation, but it’s much, much, much more than that. For me, drawing, I like to draw, is one of the most mindful things that I can do. Like, when I’m drawing, I don’t think of anything else, in fact, it’s really hard to think of something else. When I’m drawing, I like to draw faces and when I draw faces, I kind of forget about the world, forget about my problems, and I’m just focusing on drawing that line. How can arch or drawing help someone that may have an addiction, or?
Mary Feagan: I’m glad that you brought up art, and I love drawing faces also. And I have a little sketch pad in my purse and recently, I took somebody to the doctor and while I was in the waiting room, I drew somebody else, somebody who was waiting. And then, she said, “How did you do that?”, and I gave it to her. I know what you mean exactly, and I love how you said it. I think I have to go into some theory about left brain and right brain.
Powerful Eric: Please do.
Mary Feagan: And the left brain is verbal, all our verbal thoughts there, math, and all our school subjects practically, geography, history, math, science, all that’s left brain. Recess now, and you know, playing around, baseball is a beautiful combination of both, you know the theory, you know, the rules, you got to know the rules. But then, you’re probably in the zone, the zone of quiet mind, I would think and just watching that ball, it’s so healthy for us to get out of our left brain. The right brain, senses, hears, sees, smells, taste, touches, and when it’s seeing and really focused, it is quiet in there; it’s such a relief. And the better I see then, of course, the better my drawing will be and that just takes practice. It’s not about talent much at all, it takes practice.
Powerful Eric: And what’s the name of your class?
Mary Feagan: Right brain drawing, through the community college; St. Louis Community College.
Powerful Eric: I just thought of a class title that, Drawing for Addicts, or–
Mary Feagan: Drawing for Healing
Powerful Eric: Ah, much better, see, and I’m trying to get away, I still, of the 20 years of that, I still want to put this label on myself; addict. Drawing for Healing, I love that.
Mary Feagan: I do too.
Powerful Eric: So, anybody out there that’s looking, that maybe meditation isn’t your form of mindfulness, maybe it could be drawing or painting, sculpting; those are all very mindful activities. In fact, one of the activities that Mary had us do in her class is, she gave us all little kids shoes and we had to draw this shoe. And really, it’s impossible not to be focused– if you’re trying to draw that shoe, you really got to put all your other thoughts aside in order to do that. It’s a super mindful activity, highly recommend it. Mary, tell the listening audience a little bit about yourself.
Mary Feagan: All right. I grew up Catholic, dear father, who was an Irish grocer with a seventh grade education, who did well, worked hard, six days a week and a very refined mother who played the cello and played the piano and had a college education and convent bread, boarding school for high school, pretty rigid.
Powerful Eric: Right, very rigid upbringing.
Mary Feagan: Yeah. Not so with daddy. Anyway, because– and then, I went to Catholic grade school and got an awful notion of God, old, judge God. Yeah, I was very afraid of him and I became a nun because of that fear, not because I wanted to, but because I felt like he was telling me to. And so, that became a big point for healing, to change my understanding of God, and be free. And be free to live from my heart, which my true God would want me to do; does want me to do.
Powerful Eric: Right. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. The word that comes to mind just for myself is shame. I felt a lot of shame as a young boy, I can relate to that old, judge God.
Mary Feagan: Yeah, but I would think I didn’t have as much shame as I had, what do you call it? The opposite that I was working from, but I became a perfectionist. You know, scrupulous, so careful, such a good girl. So, here’s that poem. That old, judge God is walking away. He’s finished now. He never even existed. Well, he was as much God as I could imagine at the time. I used to think that old, judge God didn’t want me to have you, now I know, he was all a bad dream. I see him shuffling down a dirt road. He’s dragging a ragged black row behind his bare, sagging ass. I’m ready for a bigger God now. I’m ready for big hearted, big breasted grandmama God. I’m ready for a big handed, big hearted granddaddy God. I’m ready for a god bigger than 14 skies, bigger than the color orange expanded out in all directions, bigger than my longing for fullness multiplied to 40 zillion, bigger than my feeling of fullness when I am dancing with you and everyone we love is clapping stars to us. That’s been the journey of my life really, to keep on, getting bigger, bigger and bigger concepts of the one.
Powerful Eric: It’s absolutely fantastic. I just love that poem. Mary, tell us, how did you begin to leave that old, judge God behind? How did you start to leave?
Mary Feagan: I can tell you how I began to get freer in the convent. I would read and see quotes, I saw the quote, “The glory of God is a person fully alive.”, I said, “What?”, that was radical for me in the 60s or whatever. There’s one other quote, oh, there was a book in the convent library, Holiness is wholeness, what? Oh, and we had a scripture class from a nun who had just come back from a scripture class at Notre Dame, sharing what she’d learned, and she talked about the Abraham Isaac sacrifice, do you know that story?
Powerful Eric: I’m familiar with it, but why don’t you enlighten the audience.
Mary Feagan: Okay. Just basically, child sacrifice was common in the region where Abraham lived, Abraham, who began the Jewish religion, child sacrifice was common, it’s unfathomable but there it is. Okay, so Abraham is taking his young son, Isaac, to sacrifice him, and in my old version of that story, God sees that Abraham is obedient, and tells him, “You have obeyed me now, put your son aside and get that lamb that’s caught in the bushes.”, something like that and Abraham does. Well, in the version of this nun who’d come back from Notre Dame, she says, Abraham had an insight the true God would not ask this. And he got a bigger, better God, truer God and then, he did sacrifice a lamb, which is, you know, not whatever, advanced. But still, he got over child sacrifice. And so, I thought to myself about being a nun, “Maybe the true God would not ask this. Maybe I don’t have to do this.”, she helped me. I just kept getting a little clues about a bigger God.
Powerful Eric: Man, most of the guys addicted to porn don’t like themselves and a common theme, and frankly, I’ve heard this from a lot of guys is, “I’m a piece of shit.”. And most guys have a judgmental voice inside their heads, your book Finding grandmama, God talks about loving yourself, how can someone learn to love themselves?
Mary Feagan: I like the question. Many years ago, at least 30, I did a two week workshop on the island of Kauai with the authors of a book called Embracing Ourselves, the book helped me so much, I read it in three days, and then went to the workshop months later. And the book talks about our inner selves, our critic, our pusher that wants to just get things done, our pleaser that wants to accommodate to other people, I have a big one of those I have to watch, judge, the judge is myself or others, mostly the critic judges me and my judge, just words judges others. My clown or you know, show off, or entertainer, other selves and different people have different selves but basically, we’d have the critic, pusher, pleaser. So, in the course of two weeks of all that introspection, and we got in small groups and talk from our inner selves, in those two weeks, I discovered I did not have a kind inner voice. What a revelation. And so, I practiced giving myself one, I practiced calling myself honey, I practiced calling myself sweetheart, I practiced saying, “You’ve done enough today, sit down.”.
Powerful Eric: How would you do that? Like, in the mirror or just?
Mary Feagan: No, just inside, I would stop, and you know, I’d catch the pusher saying, “You can do more, don’t take a nap. You can finish those letters.”, whatever. And then, I’d say, is there another– I’d hold my collar out, “Is there another voice in there?”.
Powerful Eric: I love that. So, walk me through that again, specifically. So, when the pusher voice comes up and he may say something like, or she may say something like, what?
Mary Feagan: “It’s not time for lunch. You can answer 10 more emails.”, something like that.
Powerful Eric: Okay, I see what you’re saying. And so, how did you–
Mary Feagan: I would catch her. I would hear it and say, “Is there another voice?”, but I’d have to kind of create it. It certainly wasn’t automatic. So, I had to catch one of the– the critic too, catch the critic and stop.
Powerful Eric: I absolutely love it. You know, I do a similar thing, I say, “Stop, cancel.’, and sometimes I wear the rubber band, sometimes I don’t, I snap the rubber band and then, I say the positive opposite. Heaven forbid, something awful like, “I’m a piece of poo.”, comes up in my mind, I’m going to stop, cancel, I release that thought, “I’m a good person. I like myself. I like myself, I’m the best.”. And I really use that a lot with my older son, Alexander, who’s five now, he’s really starting to understand things like that, tell him that he’s a good boy and that I love– there’s an author named Zig Ziglar and he has a quote that says, “You are designed for accomplishment, you are engineered for success, and you are endowed with the seeds of greatness.”, and I tell Alexander that quote all the time to build that inner voice in him.
Mary Feagan: That’s wonderful. I love Stephen Lavonne, who was not in the planet, a couple years ago he died but I used to read his books. And the one sentence that I have probably said 1000 times to somebody or to myself is, “A positive thought held is less healing than a negative one met with mercy.”.
Powerful Eric: Say that again.
Mary Feagan: A positive thought held is less healing than a negative thought met with mercy. And if I’m by myself at my house, which I often am, I’ll say, “Mercy!”, out loud, mercy!
Powerful Eric: So, what does that quote mean to you?
Mary Feagan: Well, it just means if I’ve got a negative thought, I don’t have to say, “Ain’t it awful? My stupid mind is still negative.”, I don’t have to do any of that; I just have to say, “Mercy.”.
Powerful Eric: I love it. That is fantastic, I’m going to have to adopt that. Instead of trying to just squelch that thought.
Mary Feagan: And I don’t have a pet right now, but if I get a cat, her name might be Mercy and then, I could just hear myself saying that all the time, “Mercy, come here.”.
Powerful Eric: I used to have two cats, one was Bruce, the other one was Lee. I’m obviously a big Bruce Lee fan so, I love naming the cat a cool name like that, Mercy.
Mary Feagan: Okay, can I go back to the self love for a minute?
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Mary Feagan: Thanks. Okay. I had kept a journal, that is so important, I kept a journal and some of that became poems, because that’s where I was writing, but– So, I would just sort of have mercy on myself and say, when I accommodated, when I was hard on myself, anyway, my writing to myself helped a lot, I just want to get that in there.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, and I totally agree, I’ve been keeping a journal for years. They’re absolutely invaluable.
Mary Feagan: Yep. Okay.
Powerful Eric: Mary, you were married twice and divorced twice. What did you learn from your divorces and did your exes have addictions or anything like that?
Mary Feagan: First husband was seven years younger than I, although I’d just been out of the condiment a few years and so, my emotional age might have been right in line with his or even younger, who knows? And he had been to Vietnam as a photographer, artist, so, he was an artist. And I think we both had post traumatic stress so, I wouldn’t say he was addicted, but I think both of us had troubles; had healing to do. And I accommodated, I pretty much did what he wanted to do, “You want to move to Virginia?”, “Yeah. Okay.”. So, I kind of thought love was doing what the other person wanted, and I have a poem called accommodation.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, please.
Mary Feagan: Accommodation. I accommodated again; I gave my power away with a smile. I know a lot about how to do that. I also do know a lot about being alone. I’m just learning reciprocity. Just learning, I listen to you and you listen to me. I love that kind of togetherness. I hate accommodation, it’s a nasty stinky, farty word. It’s almost got the word commode in it; it smells like one. I accommodate when I’m in a trance, a childhood trance then I play nicey nice, “Yes, sir. Of course, sir.”, like a poor, tired, all night waitress, or a candy ass, teacher’s pet child. When I wake up from the trance, I cry, then I’m free to be my funny, fresh self again, but wiser.
Powerful Eric: What do you say in the very beginning there about giving away your power?
Mary Feagan: With a smile, I give my power away with a smile.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. And see, that’s one of the things that I am trying to impart on this show is for people to embrace their power, that may have felt powerless. Because for 20 years, well over 20 years, I gave away my power and said I was powerless and here we are on Porn Talk with Powerful Eric.
Mary Feagan: I love it.
Powerful Eric: Thank you. And you know, that’s one response that I get from a lot of people that know me, they’re like, “Oh, wow, that’s really cool. I like that.”. Go ahead.
Mary Feagan: The great mystery, which I used to call God, but I’m avoiding that word God because it– having a sword. Okay, the great mystery, when it makes– a pear tree, anything, it wants it to bloom full. Yeah, and I think about– I mean, there are so many examples we could say but an acorn. If an acorn could talk, it would say, “I can’t be that. How could I be an oak tree?”, and the great force, the great source of everything says, “You just wait.”.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, there’s a tree called the General Sherman tree, it’s one of the largest trees in the world and it started from just a tiny, little acorn, and somebody listening to the show right now may feel just like a tiny, little acorn, they may feel inadequate, but with the right amount of sunshine and watering and time can become a General Sherman.
Mary Feagan: And we don’t do it by ourselves, we do it with people who love us and with the force that’s in us.
Powerful Eric: Right. Yeah. And then, that’s another term that people that are in the Star Wars like to say, the force, you know? I’m a big Star Wars fan.
Mary Feagan: Yeah. And as a poet, I love force and source rhymes so–
Powerful Eric: Well, we’ll be waiting for that poem. Did you say all you wanted to about your ex husbands?
Mary Feagan: Oh, I didn’t, no, I didn’t, I got off the subject or something. Okay. So, first husband was seven years younger and a Vietnam veteran and I accommodated. And the second husband was seven years older, and had Jewish upbringing, Jewish heritage, and was a bit of a patriarch and I’m certain I accommodated during the courtship phase, during the year or so before we married. But I was playing around with asserting myself and being free and funny or whatever.
Powerful Eric: So, he was Jewish? I’m sorry, this just sounds like, this almost sounds like a joke. An ex Catholic nun marries a Jew. Sorry.
Mary Feagan: He wasn’t currently a Jew, but he’d grown up with all that. Yeah. His mother was adorable who had, you know, gotten out of Europe at the time of the Holocaust and all that.
Powerful Eric: And just to let everybody know, Mary is 80 years old so, that’s why she’s talking about things like that.
Mary Feagan: Yeah. Okay. So, he was seven years older, divorced with four children and I did at that point, because I was getting older, I was– I might have been 38-39, I was getting to the edge of not being able to have children. And I did have some grief at, “Well then, I won’t have my own children.”, I had some grief with that. Gave my power away with a smile, but I was infatuated with both these guys. And an author named Helen Fisher helped me so much, the 2002, I believe it is National Geographic as an article that refers to her over and over and it’s all about infatuation and it says that relationships, almost all of them, almost all of them, average 18 months of infatuation and dopamine is the hormone in charge. And we are passionately in love and it’s a whole different thing because our hormones are so active and dopamine is– because Mother Nature wants couples who will then continue the human race, okay. After about 18 months, if the relationship has enough roots to it and etc., the dopamine will ease into oxytocin, which is cozier but it’s not as wild and passionate and crazy. Well, I didn’t know that, and I wish I could tell every person thinking of getting married, “How long you’ve been him?”, if it hasn’t been 18 months, just sit, don’t. I learned it and maybe I can help a few people.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, wise words.
Mary Feagan: So important. Yeah.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. Maybe the audience can learn from you, from your two divorces and that, building a relationship on infatuation, probably– I mean, if you can make it past 18 months is good, but maybe not the great basis for a relationship.
Mary Feagan: Yeah, wait, just don’t do anything you can’t easily undo. And keep being friends, friends, friends, keep being honest. Yeah. Anyway, so it was, besides the infatuation issue, and I would have stayed with this one but my accommodation, I was speaking up more awkwardly, I think and had to tell him a few things I didn’t like. And then, we would go to therapy and maybe six weeks later, I’d tell him something else I didn’t like, and he’d haul me off to therapy. And the therapist wasn’t a wise situation, he went to the husband and I went to his wife, but we didn’t do that much together, looking back, it was not smart.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, my wife and I, we went to pre marital counseling before we got married and it was so helpful, we never stopped; we still go. We’ve been married, coming up on, this year, we’ll be coming up on nine years. Yeah, nine years, we still go, either once a month or every other month; really, really helpful. Invaluable, I would even say, yeah.
Mary Feagan: So anyway, I was playing around with not accommodating and it didn’t go well, I’ll just say that. But of course, I taught him that I was a person who accommodated, you know, in some unconscious way, in those– in that first year of courtship and all that, I was so nice. Anyway–
Powerful Eric: Yeah. So, I’ve learned that there’s actually a lot of women that listen to the show, too, that are the significant others, or spouses, you’re speaking to them now. Some of them are being overly accommodating, like, and what I mean is, they know about the addiction, they don’t like the addiction, and they’re just a walking mat. I see A Course in Miracles is one of your favorite books, first, what is a course in miracles and how has it helped you and how do you think it can help somebody that has an addictive nature?
Mary Feagan: Well, it does have a workbook, it’s got theory in the front of the book, and then workbook day by day, 365 in the back and I do love tuning into it every day.
Powerful Eric: For people that aren’t familiar with A Course in Miracles, what?
Mary Feagan: Yeah, it’s hard to explain it. It was channeled by Helen Schucman, I think is her name. It’s certainly loving.
Powerful Eric: It’s a classic.
Mary Feagan: Now, it still makes God a he all the time and God is a force, a source, God is in everything, every acorn, and so, I have to– I edit the book as I go, and my book’s pretty messed up. But it is beautiful, and comforting, and so much about forgiveness.
Powerful Eric: Oh, that’s a big one there. Forgiveness, for myself, I mean, that’s something daily I have to practice, is just forgiving myself. And when I say forgive, I don’t mean in religious terms, I just, you know, the addictive side of me can be really hard on myself and I just have to forgive myself and move on. Coming from an ex nun, how has your definition of forgiveness grown?
Mary Feagan: Let me think if I can say the quote from Course in Miracles, “All the past except its beauty is gone and nothing is left but a blessing.”, that helps me. And Course in Miracles would say the past, I mean, it doesn’t exist. If you want to focus on that honeypot, well, go ahead, but it’s not real anymore, it’s gone. That helps.
Powerful Eric: I am so incredibly grateful for you to be here and on this. I can’t wait for our listeners to hear you. You are an incredible blessing to this planet Earth. Thank you so much and oh, so how can people get a hold of you?
Mary Feagan: Okay. But first of all, thank you so much for having me. It is so sweet, there’s, I don’t like– there’s a better word, it is so wonderful to be received by you. It’s so wonderful. Yeah, thank you, Eric very, very, very much. And I do have a website, maryfeagan.com, just so they stick an E in Feagan, M-A-R-Y-F-E-A-G-A-N.com.
Powerful Eric: One more time for them.
Mary Feagan: maryfeagan.com, M-A-R-Y-F-E-A-G-A-N.com.
Powerful Eric: All right, well, be sure to check out Mary’s website. Close today with the quote from Zig Ziglar says, “You are designed for accomplishment, you are engineered for success and you are endowed with the seeds of greatness.”. Stay powerful.
Outro: Thanks for listening. If you’re struggling with porn or sex addiction, then contact Eric at powerfuleric.com or call 314-717-0377 for a free no obligation consultation. Remember, you are powerful.
Powerful Eric: Welcome to season two of the Porn Talk Power Cast, this is Powerful Eric. When you hear Power Cast, know you’re getting a short burst of energy right between the eyes directly from me, Powerful Eric.
I just got back from watching Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker with my family, we loved it. Like the rebels in Star Wars, if you’re listening to the show, then you are probably a little rebellious yourself, not allowing yourself to be put in the stranglehold of conventional or out dated ideas.
The word pornographic or pornography is derived from the Greek word porn, meaning prostitute or harlot and graphene meaning to write, hence, pornographic. The word was originally defined as any work of art or literature depicting the life of prostitutes. It is also akin to the word pernani meaning to sell. But today I’m going to expand the meaning of the word pornography to mean ideas or writings that society says seems absurd or unbelievable. These are unpopular are unwanted ideas going against societal norms. These are rebellious ideas, mutinous ideas, inflammatory ideas, or even sack religious ideas.
Using the new definition of the term then, here’s some of my pornographic ideas. 12-step meetings are not the best ways to get sober. Defining yourself as a sex or porn addict is not good for you. What? And here’s the most pornographic of all, is that, you are powerful. Yes, I am powerful. You are powerful. Yes, you listening to my words right now, take back your power. You’ve been giving it to porn for so long. I do believe in a higher power or force or God, and I don’t believe that force wants us to feel powerless.
What is the opposite of the word powerful? Weak! Do you want to be weak? What is the ultimate loss of power? Death. You’ve been giving your power away to porn for too long. I’ve been giving my power away to porn for too long. Let’s take that power back. When I first launched Powerful Eric website, and the Powerful Eric Facebook page, to say that people were pissed off by me saying I’m powerful is to say the least. People could not believe that I could call myself powerful. How can you say you are powerful? What gives you the gall to say you are powerful? Here’s one guy that said, “you’re not powerful, you’re just an ordinary guy”. And here’s what I say to that, I say, “every ordinary guy out there, every ordinary woman out there, every ordinary person out there is powerful. But the question is, are you going to claim it? Are you going to claim your power?”.
See, I was in and out of 12-step meetings and other countless therapies for 20 years, I said I was powerless. And finally, one day, I discovered the science of mindfulness, and I said, “No more”. I’m redefining this, I was creating a login for this mindfulness program. And I said on a whim, “I’m going to put Powerful Eric as my login name”. That was the day that powerless Eric died, and Powerful Eric was born. I invite you to reinvent yourself, to name yourself Powerful Steve, Powerful Mike, Powerful Kathy.
Are you fearful, like I was? Are you afraid of the future? Are you afraid of other people? Are you afraid of yourself? Well, I was, I am. Here is a quote, now this quote is attributed to Nelson Mandela they said, may or may not be. But here’s this amazing, quote, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You’re playing small doesn’t serve the world, there’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won’t feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconditionally give another people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others“. I love that quote.
Who can you free from the shackles of mediocrity by raising your vibration, by becoming the very best version of yourself? To become the very best version of yourself, we must transmute that sexual power to other activities. Have you ever seen a Black Stallion horse? They are full of energy. Have you ever seen a mule? Not so much energy. Are you a stallion or a mule? I say you’re a stallion because you have so much sex energy to burn. Is your sex energy, a blessing or a curse? According to Napoleon Hill, author of the number one best-selling book, Think and Grow Rich, he says we are blessed to have a highly sexed nature. And he should know, he spent a lifetime studying the most influential people of his time, like Thomas Edison, and Henry Ford. One of the things he determined is that, all successful people have a highly sexed nature. He devoted an entire chapter to this in his book, the chapter is entitled The Mystery of Sex Transmutation. In that chapter, he says, “without love, sex, can cause destruction, but sex and love mixed together can make beautiful and amazing things happen in the world”. Because that powerful energy can be transmuted and transformed into positive things in the world. With sex energy and love energy mixed together, we can penetrate the world with our ideas, penetrate the world with our work, penetrate the world with our love. Sex energy is your life force energy, it is your very essence, without it, you are dead, with it, you can do incredible things. Raise your vibration, raise your sex energy, mix it with love.
How do you raise your vibration? How do you transform your sex energy? How do you transform your very life force energy? For starters, confront your fears. How do you do that? Journal about them, get those fears out of your head and onto paper or in your computer. If you’re like me, the main thing keeping you from embracing your power was fear. So, put pen to paper, write down your fears. Want to go an extra step? Use note cards and categorize and prioritize your fears and worries. This works wonderfully, especially if you have a hard time sleeping, get some plain note cards, the little kind you get for giving speeches. Put a single worry on each note card, then prioritize them from A to B or 1 to 10. You know, from your worst fear or your least fear. Get them all out there, prioritize them, and then schedule worry time. Say, “at 6pm every day, or 6am every day, I’m going to worry for a half hour”, and you get out your worries and your fears. And then on the back of the note card, you can write the antidote to those worries and fears. And what’s the amazing thing is over time, they fall off the radar, they’re no longer relevant; that fear is, either didn’t happen, or they just fall off the radar so, it works.
Another way to transform your sex energy is to redefine yourself say, “I am powerful Steve, I am powerful Mike, I am powerful Patty, or however you want to call yourself”. You can just say it to yourself, it doesn’t matter, you don’t have to tell anyone about it. Now, I’m not a bible thumper, but some of you out there may be saying, “well, I can’t do this. I can’t do these things. I can’t say these things”. Well, there’s a quote in the Bible that says, it’s from Joel 3:10, it says, “Let the weak say they are strong. Let the weak say they are strong.”. Do you have the courage to embrace your life force energy? Answer with action. Redefine yourself, rename yourself, confront your fears, and remember what Luke said in the Rise of Skywalker, “confronting fear is the destiny of the Jedi, your destiny!”
Powerful Eric: Welcome to season two of porn talk. The purpose of this show is to help you end the porn habit and reclaim your power. But this is not just about breaking addictions, it’s about breaking belief systems. We are bound by self-imposed and societal chains, break those rusty old chains and get empowered right now. Today we’re going to have a good time with my friend who teaches classes on things like the will to change, the power to heal, mastering mindfulness, awakening the wounded healer, ascension. So, welcome back our night of metaphysics and all-around great guy, my good friend, William Duffin, aka a Happy Medium Will. Welcome back Sir William!
William: Thank you.
Powerful Eric: William Tell me, I listed a bunch of your classes. What’s your latest class that you’re teaching?
William: I just started another one yesterday, the first in a series of five called awakening the wounded healer, a Kundalini and Chakra workshop.
Powerful Eric: So, tell us a little about more about that.
William: Okay, well, Chakras are a Sanskrit term for energy centers in your body and most resources that you look at will focus on the seven main ones in your body. And then Kundalini is an energy that each of us have that when activated, goes up through the Chakras along your spine and interacts with them. And then I call it awakening the wounded healer, because of basically Carl Young’s work and the archetype of the person who has been wounded, healed his or her wound and then teaches what they learned from that to other people.
Powerful Eric: Okay.
William: And so, I appreciate you inviting me here today. I was wondering, is there some reason we haven’t heard for you for a while?
Powerful Eric: Well, I guess you could say I am one of those wounded healers, I’m helping people to heal from porn. I had a slip and not just a slip, I had a relapse.
William: Would you like to share what happened?
Powerful Eric: Well, not really. But I’m going to.
Powerful Eric: I actually had several people say no, don’t tell. You’re the guy, don’t tell them about this, and I thought a lot about it. So no, I want to be on the up and up and so I did have a slip and a relapse. What happened is, I had started a new job. I was super stressed, I was on 100% commission-based job sales, and I had my second son was born, and because of that, we were getting very little sleep. And so, my relationship with my wife was stressed, and when I started my new job, I stopped doing the things that kept me sober in the first place. Stop meditating and basically for a while, I was like a dry drunk, you know, I wasn’t acting out, but I wasn’t doing the things that kept me sober and I didn’t feel like I could do another show. That’s why I haven’t done another show, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. So, I just stopped.
William: Well, I for one, appreciate your authenticity. So, you’re back now in the groove of the new season?
Powerful Eric: Yeah, but I wanted to share what I learned. I don’t want to be one of those perfect gurus, these people that portray themselves as having all the answers. I am a faulty, flawed human being. And I will tell you, I don’t have all the answers, but I got some. And I still believe that using the science of mindfulness is one of the best ways to break addictions.
William: Absolutely. It’s the foundation of everything I do and teach as well. Is there anything you’d like to share about what you learned in this experience?
Powerful Eric: Yeah, well, and this is grown over time. I wanted to say that one of the things I learned is, with most addictions, it’s two steps forward one step back. And I don’t know many people, at least with porn addiction that have been able to just completely stop and never ever do it again. So, you know, to be easy on yourself, you may slip up every now and again. And this is one of the things other things I learned, is that this is one of the reasons why I don’t encourage people to count days. In 12 step programs, you count how many days that you’ve been sober, and you get a coin, every time you’re a week, a day, a week, a month, a year, whatever. And a lot of people kind of wear that as a badge of honor. But then what happens? Oftentimes, if somebody has, let’s say, they’re five years sober, and then they have a slip, well, there is this huge deal, and it will spiral out of control and you just have to get back to the one-day chip. And for me, I found it to be counterproductive. There are also the people that may have a lot of long-term sobriety, they are what are considered dry drunks. No, they’re not viewing porn or no, they’re not acting out with alcohol or whatever their drug choices, but they’re not doing the thing, but their life is a mess. They are a mess, they’re not doing the things to keep them sober. They’re just white knuckling it and you know? So, what big deal if you’re sober five years and your life is a mess, you know, if your life is a mess, then you’re being a dick.
William: Well, I’m putting myself in that person’s place and asking. Well, first of all, here’s what this makes me think of. So, I’ve been sober for five years, I have a slip, I have a relapse. So, what you’re describing is in my mind now, that whole five year was for nothing? Because I’ve relapsed.
Powerful Eric: NO! That is not what I mean. It was a absolutely invaluable learning experience. No that is not what I meant. What I mean is then you go back to your one-day check, you know.
William: Well, really what it sounds to me like, because what it seems to me like, if I’m that person I’ve have five years in one day minus that week I was drinking.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. I mean, that’s the way a lot of people are looking at it, and that’s the healthier way to look at it.
Powerful Eric: For me, it was counterproductive.
Powerful Eric: For example, when you get to two years, then you are I feel like, well, gosh, you have to hold on and make it another day or another year. And it was just counterproductive.
Powerful Eric: So, it’s a kind of stress.
William: Right, it kind of makes you obsess over the time.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
William: Okay. Can I tell you what I’ve learned about the mind?
Powerful Eric: Sure.
William: Okay. A friend of mine, Don Ferguson, who’s a Hypnotherapist. She told me it takes 91 days to change a habit, it takes 91 days to change your thinking on something. So, if you can do something for 91 days, you can do it forever. So, if you’ve done it for 92 days or a year or five years, and you have a slip up, well, your brain is already reconditioned, you can go back to that, it’s a lot easier to get back on the bike than it was five years ago. So, that’s one thing I learned about the Physiology of the brain. Okay. Another thing I’ve learned about the Metaphysics of it, if you will, is we put this in terms of Chakras, we can put this term of spirits, we can put it in a lot of different frameworks. But since I just taught this Chakra class, if you can imagine there’s seven basic main Chakras along your spine from the top of your head to the bottom of your spine. These Chakras have energy memories. So, just like the brain, you have energetic bodies. So, to put it in terms of addiction, you might say I’m fighting that same thing, the way I’m fighting my brain conditioning, my brain patterns, my thought patterns, okay? On the other side of that coin is as you change your behavior and change the thoughts behind that behavior, you’re also healing the energy in your body and the traumas that caused it in the first place. That’s why I’m an advocate of therapy, good old-fashioned therapy as well. Because if you’re, and I like that term, you use white knuckling. If you’re just willing yourself to not drink, but you’re not really healing yourself. Well, then that’s the way it’s going to be basically until you change the causal thoughts and heal the wound that caused it in the first place. Thank you for bringing me back in my little brain to awaking the wounded healer, that’s the title. You know, it’s all about healing your wounds, I mean, for a lot of people. Okay, I’ll tell you another thing I learned from Psychology when I was in college about 8 million years ago. A client comes to you and describes their behavior. One of the questions that you’re asking yourself, and sometimes you actually ask the client, what benefit do you get from that behavior? Okay, yeah. So, the benefit you get from that behavior addresses the wound, that you are masking with the behavior. And you mentioned another class that I teach called “The world to change, the power to heal”. And that class, we talked about that in very frank terms, we talked about wounds, the masks we wear, i.e., you know, how we cope with that wound, and how to heal it. Because we look at the cause of thought behind.
Powerful Eric: So, you brought up the idea that we do, you brought up that there is a benefit to be had by doing the thing.
Powerful Eric: Now can you expand on that?
William: Sure, let’s get an example. It’s an easy example in children, because their behavior is so easy to observe. The same way that like a toddler throws a fit, the toddler is not going to fit because of what he thinks he’s going to fit about, basically. He’s throwing a fit because he wants attention. So, a lot of behavior is simply attention seeking behavior. Okay, like, maybe I indulged in porn, because subconsciously, I want to get caught. Because subconsciously, I want that attention. I mean, and I’m not a therapist, okay. I do have a little bit of education, but I’m not a therapist. Okay? But it’s, once you learn how the mind works, it’s pretty easy to see and there are books on this stuff, too. You know, or you can look up a disease a disorder or a behavior pattern and research the cause or thought behind it.
Powerful Eric: There is a book by Louise Hay, “You can heal your life, you can also heal your body”.
William: Yeah, Louise Hay is one and I like the one by Lisa Corbeau, she’s Canadian and she wrote one called “Your body’s telling you to love yourself”. Very similar book.
Powerful Eric: And we could find a whole lot more like that.
William: Yeah, I’m teaching a new class in February, I think it’s February 12. Which is about the most important relationship in your life, the one with yourself. Right before Valentine’s Day.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, I remember in high school, I was raised Catholic. And there was a class that was Todd of his chemical Metaphysical class and the instructor on this said the most important relationship is the relationship with yourself.
Powerful Eric: Well, yeah, it was fantastic. But one of the kids told their mother and father and the teacher got in trouble because the most important relationship was your relationship with God. And so, they had this big, heated debate.
William: Interesting. Another subject for another day.
Powerful Eric: Oh, okay. One of the things that I advocate rather than just counting days on what you are not doing, rewarding yourself for not doing something, as you would do the complete opposite, is like to count the days that maybe that you’re exercising, reward yourself for that, you know, count the days you’re meditating, and reward yourself for that. Reward yourself for something that you’re doing rather than rewarding yourself for something that you’re not doing. And like I said before, how many things out there are you rewarded for not doing anything? I can’t think of a whole lot.
William: I have a question?
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
William: What’s an example of a good reward?
Powerful Eric: For not doing–
William: Because like a lot of people who advocate meditation and these things, say the reward is in the experience itself.
Powerful Eric: Right.
William: But if you’re talking to somebody who’s new at this, what would you suggest they reward themselves with?
Powerful Eric: Well, let me answer that this way, in 12 step programs, if you’re not acting out, you’re rewarded with a coin.
Powerful Eric: And there’s nothing wrong with it that works for some people didn’t work for me. But I’m suggesting instead of rewarding yourself for not doing pornography, or not drinking alcohol or whatever, is to set a goal for yourself to add something in your life to replace the behavior like exercise, like meditation. So, when you do things like that, that in and of itself is a reward. And you can count days, and I have a couple accountability partners. And you know, we say hey, you know, I drink water. You know, we have, you know, I don’t drink X amount of water for X amount of days in a row because water is really important. Or I exercised for five days in a row, that’s really important. So, I would encourage you to count days that way, rather than tell me metaphysically what happens if you concentrate on, I’m not going to, when I wake up in the morning, I am not going to view porn again.
William: Okay, so when you say, I’m not going to look at porn. What’s the picture in your head?
Powerful Eric: Porn.
William: Exactly. The subconscious mind does not understand a negative statement. So, if you say, you’re not going to do something like I’m driving down to 70 saying, I’m not going to get a wreck. The picture has a wreck almost every time because that’s the way the mind works. So, you must state it positively. So, you say I’m going to be healthy today. I choose health, I don’t know whatever words work for you. I am a safe driver. The drivers around me are all focused on the road, something like that.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. So, that’s what I would advocate is focusing on bringing something positive into your life rather than focusing on the porn. I’m going to exercise today rather than I’m going to watch porn.
William: I can add something to that. Don’t say I’m going to, say I am. I, okay. I am going to exercise, I exercise. I choose health. If you say I’m going to, or I will you put it out in the future, which it makes it you know, a distance in your, again, what I’ve learned is, what’s important is that picture in your head.
Powerful Eric: Right.
William: And so, if it puts it out there in the future, you want it to be right here with you in the present.
Powerful Eric: And you know, the pictures in your head, kind of put some really disturbing pictures in your head. You know I’m not judging anyone that chooses to view porn or not view porn, it’s just for me those pictures in my head made me feel really bad about myself. I just, you know, for me, porn was, made me, my self-esteem really low and I just, I couldn’t do it and I was online and there’s this one group that is about porn and they enjoy the porn. I tell them, don’t feel bad about it, more power to them, but I just, it would always make me feel really bad about myself. So that’s why I choose not to do porn.
William: You know, there was a while that I had a sign, a little handwritten note above my TV that said, are you doing what you really want to do? So that’s a question I would ask, in a position like that is like, oh, so I access porn, or I indulge in this addiction. Am I doing what I really want to do?
Powerful Eric: No, it was always–
William: Obviously, for you it’s obviously no.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, it was an escape.
William: At the very least it’s a distraction.
Powerful Eric: Right. Why don’t you just go right into asking about, hey, whatever happened with you–?
William: Hey, Eric last time we met, you had proposed this, you had had this mascot created and you were asking people to submit names for it. Whatever happened with that?
Powerful Eric: Yeah, well I have a winner. It is Raging Richard, and I want you to tell everybody what Raging Richard looks like.
William: It looks like a walking penis with a single eyeball. It’s like a penis with arms and legs and the head of the penis is an eyeball.
Powerful Eric: He’s carrying a smartphone, he’s intently looking at the smart phone.
William: Yeah, with its eye popping out, yeah.
Powerful Eric: So, his name is officially raging Richard. So, after I post this show, I will put that on the website and also the person that submitted the name will get a free session with me.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, so it’s pretty cool. Raging Richard and I, kind of have a subtitle. It is raging Richard, don’t be a dick.
William: Oh boy, because we love porn. And now is all this on the same place powerfuleric.com
Powerful Eric: Yes. Just get it all on powerfulrieric.com I mean, there is a link there that will take you to porn talk.org if you want to go that way, too, but yes, you can see raging Richard at powerfuleric.com. And he is our official mascot and he’s intently looking at a smartphone and you brought the word distraction. That’s what raging Richard here is distracting himself and raging Richard, you know, he’s really pissed off. And, you know, I thought that maybe I’m being selfish with that name for him because I feel like I’ve got once the porn was removed, I was just like, “man, I’m really pissed off about a lot of stuff”. I’m raging at the world about different things about, you know, politics or–
William: You realize that about yourself?
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, because the porn is just masking negative emotions and to me a big one is anger, rage and even a lot of anger in myself. And so, talking about being mad at myself, one of the things I was mad at myself is, we got one of these amazon fire sticks. And for those of you that don’t know what it is, basically, it allows you to watch a bunch of different TV shows on your TV. And so, I got one of those, actually, as a gift for my wife, and what I didn’t realize, once I installed is that it isn’t all the TV shows, it has a built-in browser. And there is no way to filter the porn on the browser, in fact, it even has a privacy tab on it. So, there’s no way to filter the porn, and the one thing you can do is you can put a parental control on there or code to block having access to the browser. But if the browser is accessible, there’s no way to filter the porn and I had exploited that whole and that’s one of the ways that I view porn because I do have porn filters on all my digital devices and so I was able to access porn that way. So, for those of you that do have an Amazon firestick, I don’t know about the old ones, but I know the new one for sure, the Amazon firestick is an open wide-open door for porn. If you have kids that are using Amazon firestick or whoever they have 100% access to the most hardcore porn on the entire planet. So, I was angry at myself for one not patching that hole right away, how I did fix that is, I had my wife, put on the parental controls and put on a code so now I cannot access the browser through the Amazon firestick. And also, I looked into, you know, the filter here and there as of right now there is no filter available for it. If there is, if someone does come across a filter available that they could please email me at, powerfuleric.com, to let me know, because I can pride myself on knowing those things of course, and that is a wide-open door. So, William, I digressed into the Amazon firestick but would something like what you’re talking about Kundalini or Chakras and raising the vibration and things like that does. How does porn affect a person metaphysically as opposed to having sex with in a loving relationship?
William: Great question. First of all, those that we talked about, how the mind works and addiction. So, viewed as an addiction well, we pretty much covered that. But then you can look at what I would call the frequency of vibration. Okay? So, like in your example, I indulgence behavior, I felt bad about it that lower your vibration. Gosh, I mean, for me, that’s enough right there to change my behavior. But let’s say for some people, it’s not. So, okay, it keeps you in growth in the physical world, there’s bottom line. Anything like porn is, especially if it’s an addiction, if it’s something you can’t stop doing it keeps you engrossed in the physical world. And then I would ask, what’s the goal of being here in human life? Are you here to just be all day long? Remember that one session we were doing, and I said meditative masturbate is your choice, you know, it’s like, to me, it’s like that. It’s like, what am I doing with my life? You know, is this what I really want to do? What are my priorities? And if you don’t care, I probably can’t change your mind. And Eric probably can’t change your mind. You know, if that’s what you want to do then that’s what you’re going to do. But if you have any inclination to better yourself, to raise your vibration, to fulfill your purpose, to be truly happy and not just indulge in distraction and be engrossed in the physical world. Well then, every moment is a choice, every thought is a choice, every feeling is a choice. So, when you indulge in those behaviors, what’s the word you use? When I act out, I am reinforcing neuron physical, physiological neuron patterns in my brain. I’m lowering my vibration, I am beating myself up. You know, it’s on so many levels. You are doing yourself harm.
Powerful Eric: You mentioned vibration with porn so, what about sex in a loving relationship?
William: Well, I believe if it’s truly a loving relationship, it’ll raise your vibration. Because you’re increasing the amount of love in the world basically, you know, by making love, creating love, expressing love, you know, not just, you know, so to me, any expression of love is good. Whether it’s with, I don’t know, any expression of love, you know, and you know, it’s different. There’s love with friends, there’s romantic love, there’s love of family, there’s love of all humankind. You know, any expression of love is going to do good in yourself and in the world. But again, indulging in distraction, acting out, it lowers your vibration.
Powerful Eric: And can you stand on that for the people? What do you mean by raising your vibration?
William: Okay, in a lot of different philosophies or a lot of different schools of thought, okay? Whether it’s religious or secular, people like, okay like if you were to put it in religious terms, what brings me closer to God, what distances me from God? What do you think, does masturbating brings you closer to God? For most people no, you know, I mean it’s a distraction. Okay. Then in terms of you said well, what do I mean by raise my vibration? I would ask what do you visualize when you say raise my vibration? You know for some people, it just means be happy, but the danger with that term be happy is with a lot of people in our society, it seems like be happy means be content. Like, oh yeah, I’m happy because I had an orgasm and I’m going to take a nap. That’s happiness. Well, like I said, if that’s happiness for you then, okay, that’s your life that you’ve chosen. But for me happiness is a much bigger experience than just self-indulgence. So, when you raise your vibration, you are doing what you came here to do, for instance, fulfilling your higher purpose, being one with my higher self, being one with God.
Powerful Eric: So, how can how can someone instead of focusing on not viewing pornography or not acting out pornography, or not engaging in the addiction, what are some things that they can do to raise their vibration?
William: Well, to me the most fundamental thing is to meditate. And meditation can take a lot of different forms, I’m actually going to start teaching this class in March called ascension, it’s based on the material by Joshua David stone. It’s incredible material, and frankly, it’s like a lot of different things, it’s just one avenue. This is one person’s, you know, this one man had these insights, he wrote them down, and what I find really interesting, some people find it kind of like conflicting, I find it extremely interesting that these things are all related. You know, the higher purpose of religion, the ascension material, the ancient technique of Yoga. So, whether you look back in the Hindu tradition of Chakras and Kundalini, if you go to the east and look at Qi Gong, and the Japanese is Reiki, you know you through every culture, throughout time, there have been people who want to help each other, raise the vibration or be closer to God or whatever words you want to use. So, to me, you know, I, first of all, I’m doing what appeals to me, what works for me, I am basically sharing what I’ve learned with other people.
Powerful Eric: So, you mentioned meditation as one way to raise your vibration?
Powerful Eric: What are some other things that some one that is addicted can do?
William: Oh, physical activity, fantastic. A gentleman that Chi Gong or yoga, the more active on like martial arts. I find that being in your body, increasing the awareness of your body is really important. One reason is we’ve already discussed, porn and other addictions are distraction. It takes you out of your body, you’re unaware of your body. Maybe you’re aware of one very small part of your body, specific part of your body. But you know what I mean? It’s not helping you be a whole incomplete person.
Powerful Eric: Right.
William: So, anything that like, I like physical activity, like, lately, I’ve just been going for walks, but I did do martial arts for a while. I know Eric does martial arts, it’s very helpful to do an activity that like brings your awareness all the way out to your toes and fingers, you know. So, physical activity is good, a mindful so that’s why I love this thing you picked up called mindful habit. I like the title, I like everything about it, because a mindfulness meditation is really helpful. Do you want a specific thing to use? Of course, you can go online and look, I use an app called the insight timer. It’s free, it has all different kinds of meditations on it, including mindfulness meditations. I, probably once or twice a week actually use that to get a good night’s sleep too. So, mindfulness, bring your attention, continue bring your attention back to the present. Continue to bring your attention into your body, being aware of your body, being aware of your body’s needs, what’s happening in your body. And I honestly have a hard time explain why that is, it’s very helpful. And I’ve heard other people say the same thing, people who teach and practice yoga say the same thing. Martial Arts, especially if you are fortunate to be in a martial arts school that has a mindful teacher. You know who teaches it that way, because when I was in college, you know, that’s the teacher I had, he just had a very small class did it just anyway, point being he said that feel the energy moves through your arm out to your hand. But nobody ever said that to me before, but I just did, I just, I felt it. You know, so, things that bring your attention to the present, bring attention to your body are very helpful.
Powerful Eric: William, what is something that you would say to the person in the relationship with the person who is addicted to porn or whatever? The significant other, or husband or wife, whatever, because I’ve noticed that we are getting you know, some of the women, the wives in the relationship I’ve noticed that some of the significant others are listening to this program. What advice would you have them metaphysically understand to maybe either really help themselves to cope with their addicted spouse?
William: First answer is focused on yourself. When you live in an addicted person, it’s easy to get wrapped up in their addiction. It’s easy to think I have to help Eric with this, I have to help Eric with that, you have to help, I have to be a part of this healing process and I have to do this, I have to do that. I would actually do the opposite, I will let him handle his own shit, and I will take care of myself.
Powerful Eric: That’s wise!
William: I mean, you can be supportive. And if you, for instance, are going to therapy together, that’s another thing I would recommend on a practical note is a third party, whether it’s a regular therapist or your clergy or whomever, you know, I would greatly encourage that couple to have a mediator of some kind.
Powerful Eric: Right. Actually, my wife and I do have, we did premarital counseling before we got married. It was so helpful that we never stopped.
Powerful Eric: We go about once a month, maybe every two months, it’s really helpful. And so anyway, we covered a lot of ground here today. So, we’ll wrap up and talking about needing help. If you need help, you can reach out to William or myself. William you want to tell everybody how they can get hold of you.
William: My phone number is 314-403-4744 on Facebook I’m Happy Medium Will. I have a website, it’s www.mediumwill.com.
Powerful Eric: Awesome. And if you want to reach me of course at powerfuleric.com. Thanks for listening today and remember that you are designed for accomplishment, you are engineered for success and you are endowed with the seeds of greatness.
Listen to this episode here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/metaphysics-of-porn/id1454294737?i=1000462181702
Powerful Eric: Welcome to Porn Talk, Porn Talk is not just about breaking addictions it’s about breaking belief systems. A belief system that I’m looking to shatter today is that generally teenagers and older view porn. Well, actually much younger than that views porn. I have my guest today we’re going to call him Bruce. That’s not his real name we’re protecting his identity because we don’t want his son to get the repercussions of the show, because this is about his son viewing porn. Let’s just go right to it. Bruce, tell us what happened with your son in pornography.
Bruce: Okay. He has a smartphone, he is about 12, and I just one day said to myself to look through this phone. He had 20 some odd pages up on a web browser, most of them opened to porn. And then, so, I asked him about it. Of course, he at first denied it. And I showed him you know, I said something like, “so, If I look at your phone, I’m not going to see anything embarrassing, nothing on there that you don’t want me to see?” He answered and said, “no”. And, I said, well, go ahead and open up the browser. And he screamed, ” oh, yeah, alright”. And I had my finger over the screen about the open it up and show him. And he said, “yeah, I was looking at porn”. And I said, well, you know, this is wrong, you did it, you didn’t mean it, you knew it was wrong. And I went on to explain, not only is it wrong, just because the rules say it’s wrong, like my household rules, but also, it’s illegal. I said, if you got caught looking at porn, you know who will get in trouble? Not you, me, because I’m your guardian. And that seemed to affect him, then I also said, you know, this country has to be 18 to look at porn. So, when you’re 18, I guess I can’t say much about it. But until then, don’t do it. Well, then it was maybe a few months later the same thing happened again, basically, this time it was his phone. Of course, he’s grounded from his phone for a while, 3 or 4 months at least, it was quite a while. And then, so, long story short, I caught him yet again.
Powerful Eric: But he took, so, he took really no steps to even hide it. So, he had, you said he had 20 something browser pages open?
Bruce: That’s correct, and I think that was really just his ignorance. I think, I don’t think he had a clue that I would actually look at his phone, and probably didn’t technically know how to hide it very well. Okay, so, then it advanced, a few months later, and then it happened again. And that’s when he broke down crying and saying, “I can’t stop doing it”.
Powerful Eric: So, this is a 12 year old boy. Do you have any idea how long he had the phone?
Bruce: He had it for a few months, but I cannot answer if he has been looking at it, on other phones at other times. Because I wasn’t necessarily in charge of the other phones that he had, previous to this one right now.
Powerful Eric: Right. Where did the other phones come from?
Bruce: His mom.
Powerful Eric: I see. And just personal background. Bruce is divorced, so, his mom does some things that he’s not–
Bruce: And frankly, she will give her kids things like that and not have, it seems that she doesn’t know, she has no desire, no awareness about marketing, things like that. She just doesn’t do it.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. So, this is a 12 year old boy who, let’s say for, within a year he’s already says, he said, basically saying, he’s addicted to porn. He said, I can’t stop. Right? Those exact–
Bruce: Yes, he was crying, he seemed sincere. Yeah, sometimes a kid, and I did this as a kid. I cried as it is because, it is that I got caught. He seemed sincere.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, I talked about this In one of my first shows, in that when I was a kid, and we are about the same age, when I was a kid, if I found a playboy or something like that, I really thought I had something, you know. And since then, the Playboy magazine no longer exists. I think it’s online now, but the magazine doesn’t even exist anymore. And it’s so soft now. I mean, now these young kids have access to hardcore porn. It just, it makes me sad.
Bruce: Did I tell you what my friend told me? I have a female friend who is about our age. And she has two sons that are grown, and she said, “one of the new trends among young people is that, they’ll have anal sex and not vaginal sex and, be able to say, well she’s still a virgin”. Because it was just anal. It’s just laughable to me, it’s just ridiculous, a ridiculous notion.
Powerful Eric: Wow. So, they want to have anal sex instead of regular sex to prevent getting pregnant?
Bruce: No, it’s just so, she can say she’s a virgin.
Powerful Eric: Oh!
Bruce: So, she says she’s a virgin.
Powerful Eric: Oh, wow.
Bruce: Yeah, I’m still a virgin, because they didn’t have vaginal sex. Yeah.
Powerful Eric: Wow.
Bruce: Yeah. And this is the point.
Powerful Eric: Right. Well, so, tell me what is the state of things right now with the phone and your son?
Bruce: I monitor his phone, and as far as I can tell, he’s not accessing any porn.
Powerful Eric: So, how do you how do you monitor his phone?
Bruce: I use an app called “The Parents Century”, and just look at his phone, as he picks it up, and he knows I can look at it any given time
Powerful Eric: Yeah, and we’re not on here endorsing any particular product or anything like that one, one that I had used successfully was called fundamental. But I understand it may have some bad reviews, but I didn’t have any trouble with it. But anyway, you might check those out. And now, knowing what you know now. If you could go back in time, and hand him that phone, like, without any filter or anything on that, I mean, what would you think of a parent, knowing what you know, giving them, giving their child just a phone unfiltered?
Bruce: Unfiltered, without any access to the internet?
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Bruce: It’s like handing him a back rub, it’s ridiculously irresponsible.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, I’m going to go a step further, and say, that it’s knowing what you know.
Powerful Eric: That it’s child abuse. Who would take, let’s say, I had this book box of porn filled with all the hardcore DVDs, and magazines, pictures, and even names and phone numbers of people that you might want to hook up, and I just took that. But, within that book box though there was some good stuff too, you know, I don’t know. Good books, you know, so, I just gave you that person, that’s ridiculous.
Bruce: That makes complete sense, especially the age, he is my analogy about the drugs. Let’s say again, this 12 year old box of proper pharmaceuticals and street drugs, and he doesn’t know or doesn’t have the wisdom or maturity to decide what’s good for him. There you go, that’s very important.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, I really do. Now again, I just to state, knowing these facts that it’s one thing you when you don’t know. But when you know, and you give your son or your daughter a phone, unfiltered, you’re handing them the world’s largest library of pornography, pictures and not only that, it’s actually much worse than that. You kind of dropping them in the middle of a bad, the hood. Your kind of dropping them in to the hood, you know with predators, sexual predators and pornographers and dealers. It’s scary. But now you have, you do have him monitored. So, has there been any, anything that’s happened since he’s been monitored?
Powerful Eric: Okay, great. Now, one thing that I know from the business that I’m in here, is that some people will say, well, you know, my darling child would never view pornography. And let’s say that’s true, let’s say your darling child would never consider viewing porn. Well, we know that okay, maybe they won’t, but their friends are going to show it to them.
Bruce: Yeah, and that’s how my son found out about it, he told me–
Powerful Eric: Yeah, tell that story if you don’t mind.
Bruce: Oh, I can enlighten you. Well, the first time I kind of took part of the blame on myself for not, having been proactive and not doing it ahead of time and so on and so on. The second time it happened though, I laid it to him pretty good and say, “this is wrong, you can go to prison, you can go to jail. And so, that’s kind of how I went about it.
Powerful Eric: Can you tell us; can you tell that story?
Bruce: Oh, about the text? Oh, yeah, that’s it, in fact, that’s how I found out, that was the first time. There was a text on his phone, he told me he texts his friend and said, “he is to come over let’s eat”. And, his replied, saying, “don’t tell me these things”. And, you know,
it’s kind of like when, I had that moment of like looking at the phone like, is this what I think it is? And I’m like, what? And that’s when I looked at the web browser, and so, we had to talk about, also the appropriateness of things like that. And, remember, I talked to you about this, and I gave you the advice of, like, don’t just lay down and criticize and tell them this is wrong. Advise them, you know, tell them at your age, your hormones are developing, your body is changing, and, you know, frankly, masturbation is part of life. It’s going to happen especially at your age, but it’s your private activity. Don’t share it I mean, we laugh about it now, but now, but I mean, sometimes when I was that age, I would tell my friends,” hey, I just knocked one off”. You know?
Powerful Eric: Yeah, but everybody when we were kids didn’t have access to hardcore porn.
Bruce: Sure. And so, this has been an educational for me to say the least, you know, it has really helped me think about not just the porn part of it, but overall values and demo things, Eric, where you like, I’m sure the same experiences once you became aware of this problem, you see it everywhere. You see everything sexualized, and I’ve been reading articles about these children, what do you call it? They sell children and its basically slavery.
Powerful Eric: Sex trafficking.
Bruce: Yeah, sex trafficking, that’s it, porn rains, you know, have children. And I don’t mean like 17 year old, and 10 and 11 year old girls and boys being sold to very rich people in the United States, not Thailand, in the USA, you know, being sold and rented out to be like prostitutes.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Bruce: And, so, I had this thing going on in my brain, and I see things that, you know, like Instagram or models, apps, this has like, what I put into gratification apps, you know, and I understand the appeal of like Instagram and Pinterest. There is like, you have like two or three seconds, and you click along, you know, you’re looking at in depth. Anyway, you see the sexualization of these children, so now the Instagram, they become Instagram models, and they’re like 8 years old. So, like bikini photos of pre-adolescent girls.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Bruce: They are modelling, they’re in sexy poses. It’s not like it’s just the clothes ad for girls’ swimsuits.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Bruce: You know, they’re just standing with makeup, and like I said, sexy poses and these children’s parents are doing this. It’s not liked this girl on Instagram, who has real name up there is kidnapped. You know, that is her parents having her hair done, makeup and all this stuff, and sexualizing that 8 year old girl, and that is, it’s just devastating.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. It makes me really sad. The sex trafficking thing, I don’t think people realize what a huge–
Powerful Eric: Thing this is, and it’s in every state in the United States, and this is, comes from St. Louis, Missouri, and we’re right in the middle of the United States. It’s a big thing right here because, you know, all the highways not come through here. But it’s everywhere and around the globe. And you need to protect your child from predators, and a way of doing that is putting some filters on your phone.
Bruce: And actually, look at the phone. And that, yes, put a filter on it. They can’t ask for porn stuff like that, the obvious stuff, but look at your kids’ phone, look at who they’re texting. Make sure you know the names, and ask them about it, talk to them about it. Oh, I see you’re talking to Jane about such and such. How’s Jane doing? But what you’re really getting at is, who the heck is Jane? You know, who, are these actual kids you talking to? Or is this some kind of a scam? I mean, it is so many stories you’ve read, I’ve read, and people have seen about you know, the 14 year old girl is lowered to a hotel.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Bruce: I mean, I would hope and pray and I’m sure would think that my son has the sense not to go to a hotel by himself.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, but they’re very, through very tricky with on the ways you know I read about on how they lower them. One of the ways at least with the girls that I read is that they you know, they totally flatter them, and the person tells them that they’re in love with them, and that’s the big thing that oh, this person’s in love with me, and especially if they’re in a household where there is no father around, they are even easy more an easier prey.
Bruce: I watched this scene, or rather read about it, the other extreme of, if you say anything to anybody I kill your parents.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Bruce: Basically extortion.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, and that’s how, what was that, the girl that was kidnapped from her house and that they have found her a year or so later. This guy, just kind of broke into her house in the middle night, and he said, “if you shout or scream I am going to kill your family”. Smart–
Bruce: I remember something like that, yeah.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, she’s actually got a great video on YouTube about how she is now, and she’s doing really well. But getting back to your son, so, as of right now it appears that he’s not accessing porn, at least through that phone.
Powerful Eric: So, what would you do? What would you say to somebody that’s listening now, a lot of the people that are listening now are people that are struggling with a porn addiction or struggling with a sex addiction. However, a lot of these people, have kids of their own, what would your advice be to them?
Bruce: Well, the thing, the top thing, I’ve already said, and that is, be aware, observe, look at the phone, look at the computer that they’re using, look at their browsing history. You have every right to be nosy, and like, you know, the friends of my son want to argue about it and say, I did take the phone away, that no one even thought twice about it. You know, we live for generations upon generations that has smartphones, a 12 year old doesn’t need a smart phone.
Powerful Eric: That was my next question. Why does a 12 year old need a smart?
Bruce: Well, and so, why did I get my son a phone. Because, frankly, I can’t trust his mother. You know, so, I want to be the provider of the phone, so, I can monitor the phone, I would be in charge of the phone, and he could call or text me whenever he was away. So, I had to have, actually what I thought of, is, if this happens again. I’m going to get rid of smartphone and give him an old fashioned flip phone, where he can get only contacts.
Powerful Eric: Again, and just for our viewing audience just so they know, Bruce actually has sole custody of his child, which as we know, is unusual. Usually it’s usually, it’s the mother.
Bruce: Let’s just say it was for a good reason.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, exactly. Now that question about, does a 12 year old need a smartphone? One issue that had come up, I have a 4 year old boy and I also have a 6 month old boy, and the issue that had come up, was not for giving him a phone but for letting him play with a, just a little iPad. Seems innocent enough. There was an interview done with Steve Jobs, about the iPad. He’s now, he’s been deceased for many years now. And in the interview, they asked him, ” so you know, how do your kids like the iPad”? His response was, I won’t let them play with it. Here’s Steve Jobs, the creator of the iPad, would not let his kids have one. Now, if that doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what does. I am going to be on a radio show, and the radio show, the host, Gia Valenti. She’s got a great book called “The Magnificent Melvin and Moxie”. And it’s a fictional story about a family, about them, not giving cell phones to their kids. In the book, I think they’re around the age of 10 years old, I could be wrong about that. It could be a little more can be a little less. But that as a family, they decided that they were not going to give their kids smartphones and I understand wanting to be in touch with your kids. I get It, I understand, but I’m just saying, it can be an option and the phones are expensive too. I mean, who would have thought back in the day of giving your child a quote and quote toy, we will call it, for several hundred dollars. No one would even think of that. Bruce, what do you think about not giving a kid a smartphone? Is that even an option now? I mean, we get–
Bruce: Absolutely. Like you were just saying, is it really necessary, does he or she really need it? Of course not, my blood and critical thinking, it’s lazy parenting. It’s an electronic babysitter, it gives your kids something to do when they are in the doctor’s office. Or, you know, the kids, and you know, little kids, like 2 or 3 years toddlers, sit in the grocery cart with mom and has to have their face in the phone. What world is this?
Powerful Eric: Right.
Bruce: To me it’s just completely foreign. And there’s just no way, you know, I mean, you discipline a child. You know, and anyone who always get their kid an A.D.D, because all they’re getting is gratification. It says, a toddler is a toddler.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Bruce: You know, I had to understand that, I had to give all my attention.
Powerful Eric: They don’t know how to be bored.
Bruce: Right. It’s like, when they are saying they’re bored. I’m saying, okay, be bored. Look out the window.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. Now the thing that’s going to come up with the kids at eventually some age. Well, everybody else has smartphones, why can’t I have one?
Bruce: Because I said so, I have no problem with that. I have no problem saying, well, that’s the choice of their parents, that I didn’t agree with that. I have different values. So, let’s say, let’s just continue that train of thought, you know he wants a cell phone, so, he can play these games online with his friends. Sorry.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Bruce: Not happening, you know, if you would invite them over to play on the console at home or you go to their house and play on the console at their house. Again, the smartphone, it is certainly making it too easy. You know what I mean? It, like, oh fine, I have the smartphone, I don’t have to worry about calling my buddy and inviting him over, we can just do it online. And then that leads to a much bigger discussion, you’re online as you shift through placing relationships, which is not a fair, to me, it’s not a fair comparison, but that’s what people do. Yeah, I mean, I have to stand myself out of it, like for instance, the first day I wake up, I wake up because the alarm is on my phone. I look at my phone, I have Facebook alerts, I’ll be on Facebook, half an hour later, I am like holy crap, it’s been half an hour since my alarm went off.
Powerful Eric: Oh yeah.
Bruce: And the time just flies by.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, I know.
Bruce: You have to discipline yourself.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. And that’s a whole other show. I’m literally doing right now, what I’m calling a digital detox. And it is amazing, now that I have, it’s been approaching 3 weeks now, something like that, without being on Facebook and things like that. And oh my gosh, I spend an inordinate amount of time on Facebook. I realize it now, that I’m not doing it, it’s incredible. So, but giving a child a smartphone unrestricted is, it’s just, it’s just like, you’re creating an addiction, maybe some addiction to porn, maybe some addiction to social media, or constant texting. But it’s, this is a huge issue that’s going on now. If you’re not addressing it with your child now, it will come up later. Yeah, you know, you can either be proactive now and address that now or react later when whatever catastrophe comes up. And I was talking, it’s this has been some time ago I was talking with someone about what I do. And he said, it’s funny that we’re talking about this, but my daughter, we happened to look at something she was doing online and there was a man that was trying to lower her into some type of sexual situation. And so, it’s really important. It’s a huge issue. Please take proactive steps to protect your children, there’s a lot, there’s a ton of resources online, on protecting your children. We mentioned the capital fundamentals, a program you can put on your phone What’s the one you are you’re using?
Powerful Eric: Century, I mean, there’s a ton of things you can use. Like I said it, you can either address it now, proactively or react to it later when it comes knocking at your door. Well, thanks, Bruce. Thanks for being here. Thanks for sharing that intimate story about your son. And if you want some resources, I’ll post on my Facebook page or on my Powerful Eric page, some links to resources. You are designed for accomplishment. You are engineered for success, and you are endowed with a seed of greatness.
Powerful Eric: Hello power people, welcome to Porn Talk, Porn Talk is about addiction and breaking false belief systems. We are bound by self-imposed and societal chains, break those heavy chains and get empowered right now. Last week, we had hypnotherapist Dawn Ferguson with us, today we have her husband, Drew Ferguson. Drew I have to say, you got a lot to live up to because Dawn was awesome! I mean, she really was.
Drew: Yes, she’s fantastic.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, it was a great interview, so, no pressure.
Drew: I think I can handle it.
Powerful Eric: Right, Dawn and Drew are passionate about delivering the message that you can live the life you dream, desire and design. Powerful people welcome my powerful friend Drew Ferguson. Welcome Drew.
Drew: Thank you very much, Eric we appreciate that.
Powerful Eric: Sure, let’s just jump right in. Can a person be hypnotized by just watching porn?
Drew: You can actually be hypnotized or experienced hypnosis. So, that you know, the hypnosis phenomenon. By any repetitive behaviour, or any repetitive, something you’re viewing, for instance, like say pornography, or baseball, or hockey, or any other thing that’s going to capture your imagination and your interest. Not only capture it but hold it. Okay. You know, a lot of people talk about I’m this junkie or that junkie. I know I’m a NASCAR junkie. I’m a baseball junkie. I’m a sport in general, I’m you know, it’s like I’m addicted to my business. Anything that triggers you like that, you are in a light alpha brainwave state. Now what is an Alpha Brainwave State? Alpha is the measurable brainwave that we experience when we are in a lighter hypnotic state. Okay, it is a naturally occurring thing, we drift into and out of Alpha Brainwave or light hypnotic, hypnotic, or hip nodal states, anywhere from 150 to 200 times in our daily activity. You’re driving down the road, you’re almost like an autopilot because you’re thinking about work or what you have to do after work or whatever. And, you know, part of your mind is taking care of the driving, and another part of your mind is doing all of that thought process. You know, it’s like, you’re an autopilot.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: You are in an Alpha Brainwave state, you are in a light hypnotic state. Now, for the 5 to 10 minutes that as you fall asleep at night, and a much shorter period, as you wake in the morning, you pass through all 6 levels of hypnosis. Okay, from the very last just level, which is waking hypnosis, all the way down to level 6, which is the deepest level of hypnosis, which is where a lot of stage show participants. That’s the level they’re in, because they can imagine anything that they’re told to imagine.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: It is also the level where some, a lot of experimental medicine is doing surgery without anaesthesia. Chemical anaesthesia let me put it to you that way.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: They’re using deep hypnosis instead of chemical anaesthesia, it is a big thing in Great Britain.
Powerful Eric: Okay.
Drew: It’s being done in Canada, which is part of the British Commonwealth, it is being done in Australia. And you know, in Scotland and Ireland, as well as England. They’re doing hip replacement, knee replacements, other joint replacements without anaesthesia.
Powerful Eric: Wow, those are huge surgeries.
Powerful Eric: Oh my gosh,
Drew: But think about this, Eric. If your children were born using the Lamaze or natural childbirth process, your wife experienced the same thing. Natural childbirth, Lamaze whatever you want to call it is self-hypnosis. Okay. I’ve had dental, I’ve had teeth extracted, using nothing more than self-hypnosis. It annoys the heck out of the dentist, because he wants to pick charge you for to give you that shot or give you the happiness. But sorry, you know.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, that’s a whole other conversation there.
Drew: Yeah, exactly. So, anytime you are intensely focused on any particular action activity. Maybe you know, if you’re in the St. Louis area and you’re a Blues fan, you know, you experienced an Alpha Brainwave state when you were watching that game on Wednesday Night. Okay. Particularly when the event happened in the last few seconds of the game, where there was a questionable call that went against the Blues.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: Yeah, you went into a very intense Alpha Brainwave state for a very short period of time. But every time you ruminate about it, you go back there.
Powerful Eric: I would be curious on, if they put electrodes on someone that was viewing pornography for extended period of time. How much of that time they’re in the Alpha Brain state? Because when I was really active in the addiction, honestly, I felt catatonic at the time. Not until I was completely done that I kind of like come to.
Drew: Yeah, and anytime that you lose track of time, all the way up to losing track of reality, which, you know, let’s face it, a lot of people when they’re experiencing a porn viewing, or event, will put themselves in the place of one of the characters.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: Okay, yeah, that’s Alpha Brainwave. Okay, that can be a pretty deep level of the hypnotic state. So, do you experience that? Anything that triggers an emotional response in you, you are in a form of hypnosis. Okay, whether it’s very light, or very deep, depends on you know, the trigger in the event and how you respond to that trigger.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: Yeah, that’s experiencing hypnosis.
Powerful Eric: You’ve just had answered my next question, which was going to be, can viewing television, or scrolling through Facebook, put someone into a state of hypnosis?
Drew: Facebook counts on you entering an Alpha Brainwave state while you’re scrolling, yes. Any repetitive behaviour triggers an Alpha Brainwave state.
Powerful Eric: I’m going to digress here really quick. I’m going to do another podcast on doing a digital detox, taking some time away from us, our screens and Facebook and such. But that’s another, another cast. But it sounds like Drew, from what you’re telling me that Alpha Brain state, you said that’s what where, it’s we’re very suggestible, right?
Powerful Eric: So, the advertisements that we see on Facebook will be more apt to act on? The images and things that are happening in the pornography are going deeper into our mind and ourselves.
Drew: Advertisers count on triggering an Alpha Brainwave state, just, and that’s why they form their ads, whether it’s print, or TELEVISION or video, or whatever it happens to be. They create that Alpha Brainwave state, in hopes of getting you to buy their product. And I’ll give you a real simple example, I don’t particularly care for Doritos. I don’t like them.
Powerful Eric: Okay
Drew: They just don’t appeal to me, I can be sitting on a couch watching a television program and have a Doritos commercial come on. I’m not going to pay attention to it consciously. But within 10 to 15 minutes, I may be going through the cabinets in the kitchen looking for something salty.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: Okay, it. won’t be Doritos, because I don’t like Doritos. But I mean, maybe in there looking for something salty. Okay.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: Advertisers, use hip, light hypnotic states constantly. I’ll give you another great example. Cadillac, over the last roughly 15 years, almost 20 years now has become the new hot rod. Okay, the new c 28 Camaro, with their Cadillac, CTSV model. They had a commercial on Television, very effective commercial. They had, what you saw was a shot of the car, from the rear quarter, the driver side door was open. And it pulled back to have a very good looking very sharply dressed, very classically elegant lady standing there. Okay, and she, you see different angles and you see her feet. She sits into the car, and now you see her finger reaching for, Cadillacs have a round red start button on their dashboard, or at least this model does. Okay. And it says start on it, and she’s reaching for, you see beautifully manicured hand reaching for the start button. And the voiceover, in her voice, which is a very nice voice, says “when you turn your car on, does it return the favour”? Cadillac dealers couldn’t get CTS fees, they couldn’t keep them on their lot. I mean, their sales skyrocketed on that particular model. And the carryover carried over to some of their other models. Okay, which is one of the reasons why they have the hot engines in a lot of their other cars now too.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: Because it was such an effective commercial. Okay. It was a very hypnotic, commercial. You whether you know, I’m male, obviously. Yeah, the lady is attractive, and the car, you already know about the car. They couldn’t keep them on the lot. Okay. That’s the kind of things that we’re bombarded with constantly, in any form of media.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: And in a lot of our day to day activities, you can’t escape it.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, and I know, they put in, you know, sexual innuendos kind of behind things as well. Besides what you’re talking about there, like a little subtler. I know one, that was a really subtle one, years ago. I don’t know if it’s still there on the Marlboro camel at the time, you know, there was phallic symbols in there and things like that.
Powerful Eric: But you had mentioned a little earlier stage hypnosis. Is that real, or is that just a show? I mean does that work?
Drew: I have seen you know, let me explain this. Dawn, my partner and wife, at business partner and wife and I are both what are called certified Hypnosis Instructors. Okay.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: The classification CI certified instructor, we teach the certification program, and help people become certified hypnotist. Okay, we do it on a couple of different levels. One, we teach them how to do it, and then we teach them the business aspects of it.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: I don’t do stage hypnosis. Are they real? I’ll guarantee you they’re real. Okay.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: They are, no, with this proviso there. Yeah, there’s some charlatans out there. So, our stage show is real. Yeah, the vast majority of people who are participating in a stage show, they perform real things. And it’s not me, it’s hypnosis.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: You follow?
Powerful Eric: So, yeah, so if hypnosis a stage, hypnotist can do that. What can happen to a person that is watching pornography on a regular basis? In essence, they’re in that Alpha State, for a great deal of time, I’m sure of it. Because I’ve been there. What can that do to the person?
Drew: Well, from my point of view, as a hypnotist, they become more hypnotizable. So, if they were to come to me or any other certified hypnotist, to be relieved of that habitual behaviour, to eliminate that habitual behaviour, it makes it easier for them to be hypnotized. And when you’re, when it’s easier for you to be hypnotized, it’s easier for that hypnosis session to be even more successful than otherwise might be.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Powerful Eric: Great, I guess what I was trying to get out there is, I’m a big fan of Zig Ziglar, he’s now deceased. And he’s got a quote, I’m paraphrasing a little bit. He says, “you are what you are and where you are, because of what has gone into your mind, but you can change who you are, and where you are, by changing what goes into your mind”. You know, we’re in that super suggestible state, and just viewing porn all the time, I would think, well, I personally know, a really negative effect, although they had a negative effect on myself, because I’m in that super suggestible state.
Drew: I know that as a hypnotist, if they are willing to make a change. Now, that’s important to understand. Hypnosis cannot force you to change something that you’re not willing to change. Up to and including going into a hypnotic state to begin with. Okay, a hypnotist cannot force somebody into a hypnotic state, a hypnotist can lead someone into a hypnotic state, which is what we do, basically. Okay, we help you create the state. We don’t create the Alpha Brainwave state, we help the subject, create the Alpha Brainwave state.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: Follow me on that?
Powerful Eric: Yes, yeah. Well, tell me, how did how did you get into hypnosis?
Drew: Well, it’s kind of interesting, and it goes back quite a way into my life. I’m a, you know, I’m a baby boomer, I was born right after the Second World War, not right after, but some years after the Second World War. I’m in high school, and I’m having problems with my intestines, I’m trying to find a gentle way to place this. A lot of difficulty with stress manifesting itself in what we now refer to as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Okay.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: IBS, I would get terrible cramping, and just, I’m just absolutely I was writhing in pain. The nurse helped me, it was getting to the point where the school nurse was seeing me almost every week. And, I would be in her quiet room, just absolutely doubled over in pain for maybe an hour or two, before it would subside. And I could, you know, get to the point where, you know, I could go wash my face and dry, you know, dry my sweat, and, be able to maybe even go back to class, you know.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: And, you know, she got to the point where this was happening for me so much. And I was being in her office so many times, that she comes to me and she says, “go up to the library”, and I went to a really big High School and the library was just absolutely spectacular. And she said, go to the library and get a book on meditation. Maybe meditation can help you. Okay, I did that, so I went up to the library, and I pull out the copy of the book, written by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi back in the, I’m not sure when it was written, 40’s, 50’s, maybe on Transcendental Meditation,
Powerful Eric: The Beatles were big into that at the time.
Drew: Yeah, big into that, and that’s one of the reasons why I grabbed that book. And I took it home and I read it cover to cover and basically taught myself how to meditate. Guess what meditation is?
Powerful Eric: Well, Dawn told us last week, that’s a form of hypnosis.
Drew: It’s the Alpha Brainwave state. Yeah, Dawn told you that last week. When you meditate, you are in the same brainwave state as you are when you’re in hypnosis. Okay, it’s Alpha Brainwave. Yeah, what I was doing was hypnotizing myself to conquer the IBS. Did it work? Yeah, it worked great, I had, I didn’t have to go see the nurse anymore. Like once a week or, you know, I mean, it was just boom, that was it. You know, like, I saw the nurse in the hallway one day, and she said, I guess that meditations work, and I went, yeah, it’s working great. Fast forward to, we were certified in 2004. So, fast forward to 2004, Dawn had conquered an issue a medical issue herself, and looked into hypnosis and found a local instructor who is very famous in the hypnosis circles. And actually, he’s the Vice President of our organization, our sanctioning body now. And she said, I’m going to go take this class and become certified as a hypnotist. You want to go with me? And I said yeah, let’s do it. Right. Well, an hour and a half into class one, we’re, It’s break time, we’re all going to take a break. I turned to her. I said, “I’ve been doing this since high school”. And I thought it was meditation, and you know, at that point, I learned that meditation and hypnosis use the same brainwave state. So, I was actually hypnotizing myself.
Powerful Eric: Awesome.
Drew: Yeah, it’s amazing, what can be accomplished in the Alpha Brainwave state, it’s really amazing.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, and speaking of amazing things, do you have any clients or success stories that you can share with the audience?
Drew: You know, client wise, there are a lot of people walking around out there today, who are healthy non-smokers. Because of hypnosis, either. myself, Dawn, or one of our students, one of our graduates from our training.
Powerful Eric: Awesome, this show is not just about breaking addictions, it’s about breaking belief systems. Is there a belief system, about life or addictions that you think needs to be broken?
Drew: I know from experience and working with people on addictive behaviours, that, and even in my own experience, I had an addictive behaviour that made my life unmanageable. It threatened my welfare, it threatened my income, it threatened my family life. You know, I was basically seriously, you know, when I was a young guy into alcohol. And fortunately, for me, and my life, and the way things are. Last month, I celebrated 35 years of sobriety,
Powerful Eric: Congratulations.
Drew: Thank you, and it’s one day at a time, okay. Just like any other addictive behaviour, you have to get into the habit of living one day at a time. Which when you think about it, to appreciate it, you know, I hate to use the cliché, you’re stopping to smell the roses, but that’s what you’re doing. You’re paying attention, you are present in the presence. Okay. And, that’s something that we’re hearing more and more about, in the world of human behaviour today is being present. For the people you love, being present for your spouse, being present–
Powerful Eric: Yes, absolutely, because if someone has a cell phone that they are looking at, and you’re trying to have a conversation with them, it can be very distracting, disturbing–
Drew: Oh, absolutely.
Powerful Eric: So, yes, to be present with the other person, whether they don’t have a, they are not watching television, and now that’s called, it’s called secondary device or whatever, where a person is watching television and then they’re also on a device at the same time.
Drew: Yes, they’re on their cell phone or their tablet or their laptop or whatever. Yeah, and there are times when I’m guilty of that. I have to be mindful, having, you know, being one of those persons with what could be called an addictive personality. Okay, I have to be mindful not to be participating in that addictive personality.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: Okay, I have to be mindful of being present in what I’m doing.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: As you know, I am an automotive enthusiast.
Powerful Eric: Okay.
Drew: Like I said, earlier, in the conversation, I raced sports cars for the last number, quite a number of years. I was also an instructor in that, as a matter of fact, I love cars. When I’m driving a car, I am fully present in the experience of driving a car.
Powerful Eric: And you know, that brings me to the next point in that we’re not just here talking about addictions, we’re talking about creating a great life and you’re talking about something that you really enjoy, that you’re passionate about. What would you tell someone, either as a certified hypnotist, or just as Drew, how can somebody create a great life?
Drew: Stop participating in your addiction and change your whole life. Okay, it’s, you know that sounds oversimplified. Okay, and, you know, I’ll go back to my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous. My sponsor used to tell me, stop drinking, change your whole life. That’s it. Okay. Now, how do you do that? You stop participating in that behaviour. And you change everything you’re doing. So, how do you do that?
Powerful Eric: Can you just stop doing the behaviour, or do you have to replace it?
Eric: Replacing it with a positive, will help you get through the worst part of it, and the worst part of it’s going to be the first 90 to 180 days. Okay, you can find something else that’s harmless, maybe even constructive. And, just replace that behaviour that you want to eliminate, with something that’s positive. What comes to mind is, you know, I’m the business guy. So, you know, that’s why this probably comes to mind, I might stop participating in a behaviour that I want to eliminate, like, say, for instance, porn or something like it.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: And replace it with maybe reading books about how I can be a better businessman. Or how I can be a better human being. Okay.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Drew: I will say this, I’m going to say it very carefully, it is helpful to be able to find something greater than yourself, that you can rely and count on and use that to get you through the worst part. Now, in AA, they talk about your higher power, it can be what that higher power can be, whatever you need it to be. whatever name you want to assign it, assigned to it, or activity, or behaviour, or whatever you want to assign to that higher power that is safe and healthy.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, and finding something that’s becoming bigger than yourself, also can be about helping a lot of people, getting out of yourself, and thinking, and stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about helping other people. Some type of humanitarian project. That’s why I do this show, I want to help people.
Drew: Yes, yeah, exactly, you’ll see people that involve, get involved in organizations like Habitat for Humanity, or you know, feed the children, or these other organizations. And you know, what, if that works for you, if that makes you feel better about yourself, because let’s face it, when you are deep into an addictive behaviour, you don’t feel good about yourself. You know, and I’m talking from experience here.
Powerful Eric: Me too, I hear you.
Drew: You don’t feel good about it, you feel like you’re falling down stairs. And you can’t stop falling down stairs.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: Okay. You’re on the world’s longest flight of stairs, and you can’t stop. I’m here to tell you, if you’re watching this program, because you’re looking for a way to get out of an addictive behaviour. Eric is doing a wonderful service here. I’m, I’ve been there, I know what you’re going through. Okay, finding something that you can put your focus on, rather than that addictive behaviour, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, porn, or any other addictive behaviour.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: If you can find something that you can put your focus on, do it. That’s going to help you break the chain of behaviours that you keep falling back on.
Powerful Eric: Drew, what would you say to the person, in what you just said now applies to this question to, but to as a professional hypnotist, what would you say to a person that came to you and said, you know, I’ve tried again and again, to stop viewing pornography, or having compulsive sex, whatever. I’ve tried and tried stop. What would you tell that person as a professional hypnotist?
Drew: Well, it’s interesting that you bring that up, because studies have shown that when people will go to a hypnotist, it’s because they’ve tried seven other things to break the chain of behaviour. And none of them have worked, and so, basically, what they’re saying is,” Oh, hell, I’ll just go to, I’ll go to a hypnotist, I’ll try anything, I’ll go to a hypnotist”. So, we as professional Hypnotists, who are out there helping people, you know, break the chain of addictive behaviours. Were the usually, the eighth thing that people try, there’s exceptions to that. Now, somebody who may be tried eight things to become a healthy non-smoker and found that the best thing was to go to the hypnotist. The hypnotist is probably going to be the first thing that they go to break the next unhealthy behaviour.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Drew: Okay, but yeah, from our viewpoint, as a profession, we’re generally the eight things that people try to break the chain of that addictive behaviour.
Powerful Eric: Well, if someone does want to give it a try, how do they get a hold of you or your website? Can you tell listeners
Drew: Sure, our website is drewdawnferguson.com, catchy name, right? That’s Drew, DREW, Dawn, DAWN, and Ferguson, FERGUSON.com. Usually on the first page, we will have a hypnosis audio that you can listen to. But you can actually experience a little bit or a little taste of what it’s like to experience and hypnotic state. You can reach out to us by phone 636-699-7791. That’s again, 636-699-7791. I will tell you this, it doesn’t matter where you are. You don’t, you can be anywhere in the world. We have clients that we have worked with virtually in 35 states. And just recently, we add, added our sixth foreign country, Russia, believe it or not.
Powerful Eric: Fantastic, well Drew, thank you so much for being on the show. And be sure to check out their website if you like. And I’m going to close actually with that the quote I used earlier from Zig Ziglar, Who says, “you are what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind. You can change what you are, and you can change where you are by changing what goes into your mind”. Be powerful, folks.
Hypnotized by Porn? Break the spell with expert Hypnotist Dawn Ferguson.
Powerful Eric: Greetings powerful people. Welcome to Porn Talk. Porn Talk is not just about breaking addictions, it’s about breaking belief systems. We are bound by self-imposed and societal chains, break the chains and get empowered right now!
Today it is my pleasure to have Dawn Ferguson with us and her husband, Drew Ferguson will be with us next week. Dawn and Drew Ferguson are known as the health, wealth and happiness coaches. They are the founders of Ferguson International, Ferguson and Associates Hypnotherapy and the Next Level Up Association, Dawn and Drew work with women and men to help them transform their relationships with money, time, and their career, so they can experience the success and freedom they’ve always desired. Their expertise and insight has helped thousands of people design a life that reflects their true brilliance and purpose, as coaches, speakers, authors, certified hypnotherapists and workshop leaders, their work has empowered the lives of thousands of people worldwide. Their programs include best-selling products and events such as, how to stop the self-sabotage. Well, we could talk about that one, right?
Dawn Ferguson: Yeah, and that’s as far as you need to go Eric. That’s it right there!
Powerful Eric: Yeah. Well, you also have other programs like three simple steps to success, the health, wealth and happiness tour and many more. And Dawn and Drew are passionate about delivering their message that you can live the life you dream, desire, and design. They believe you living a life of health, wealth and happiness is a part of your spiritual path. So, powerful people, welcome my powerful friend, Dawn Ferguson. Welcome, Dawn.
Dawn Ferguson: Thanks Eric, gosh, we’ve really known each other a long time, haven’t we?
Powerful Eric: Yeah, I think, I was actually thinking about that before the call. It’s been, gosh, probably approaching a decade.
Dawn Ferguson: Yeah. And watch the evolution of both of us, as we move along our path, and your audience has their own evolution of the path that they’re supposed to be walking along. And unfortunately, something has stalled them, it has cut them out, and that’s what you assist them with, right?
Powerful Eric: Exactly.
Dawn Ferguson: They feel like they’re stuck and struggling. So, I have a question for you. How long do you think someone tries to break their pornography addiction before they give up? What do you think it might be? I’m curious.
Powerful Eric: Well, I would answer the question with a question in that, how long would I give– I just I have a five-month-old baby boy. And I would ask myself, “how long would I give my son to learn to walk before I would just say, you know?”.
Dawn Ferguson: Yeah. Just not cut out for it.
Powerful Eric: Just not– maybe you should crawl for the rest of your life. So, obviously, my answer is, you know, there’s that Winston Churchill, or attributed to Winston Churchill, at least, to quote that, “never, never, never, never give up”. And that’s what I would say, to never, ever give up.
Dawn Ferguson: And whether people label it an addiction or a compulsive behavior or a problem, an issue, a challenge, whatever it is, that’s it, is that there’s a part of them that just won’t let go as far as you can do this.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: You can get through to what’s on the other side. At times, we all will say, “Okay, I’m done. It’s not supposed to be, I’m giving up”. And then, maybe a few weeks later, they’re like, “I’m going to try one more time”. And so, speaking to that part of your audience that says, “you know what? let’s look at one more time, you can make progress. We know you can. Let’s do it one more time”.
Powerful Eric: And for those of the audience that are just joining on this podcast and don’t know, I struggled with this for a couple decades. So, I didn’t give up. And that leads me to the question, Dawn, you know, I talked about in the intro, do you really believe a porn addict can live a life of health, wealth and happiness?
Dawn Ferguson: Yes. I believe any type of addict can, whether it’s pornography, whether it’s drugs, whether it’s to food, because there are some substances that can set us up, whether it’s for medications that the doctor prescribed, and they wind up getting abused. But, in the case of pornography, definitely, when we understand what was the ongoing reason was why that person keeps going back to pornography.
Powerful Eric: Yes.
Dawn Ferguson: And then, when you understand, hey, what starts it, that’s going to be individual and unique for each person. But, there’s something that gets triggered that has us, whatever that addiction may be, we’ll go back to that tool, should we say, again and again, to get our needs met. Well–
Powerful Eric: No pun intended.
Dawn Ferguson: No pun intended, okay? Those needs are never going to go away. They’re always going to be there, it’s what we call the core four. They’re always going to be there, we just have to find functional ways to get them met, instead of the way that the brain has said, “let’s use the path of least resistance and do this, even though we know it’s unhealthy. Even though there’s fallout, even though this is hurting people that we care about, let’s just go back to it”. Well, we have to replace, we just can’t get rid of it.
Powerful Eric: Exactly. And I love what you’re saying because a lot of the addiction programs out there are just dealing with the symptom. How many days did you not do the thing?
Dawn Ferguson: And what do you have to do? You have to think about the thing and then not doing the thing, to know how many days you did not do the thing.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: So yeah, there’s a variety of programs and for some people, that’s what they need. They need that focus on the abstinence, but that’s not a fit for everybody.
Powerful Eric: Right. Well, and speaking of other, you know, different tools for different people, tell us a little bit more about yourself, and about how you got involved with hypnotherapy as a tool.
Dawn Ferguson: Yes. I’ve been doing this now 15 years, and I actually had a medical challenge. I knew nothing about hypnosis. I mean, I didn’t even pay attention to the comedy shows that had stage hypnosis, I knew nothing about it. But I had a medical challenge and they were prescribing surgery for it. And boy, I just didn’t– I don’t necessarily want to do something invasive, if there’s another way around it.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: So, I started doing some research and found where Harvard, in their mind body clinic was teaching some of their patients self-hypnosis to manage the symptoms of some diseases.
Powerful Eric: This was through Harvard?
Dawn Ferguson: Yeah. And in fact, Mayo Clinic now utilizes hypnosis with their cancer patients, because they’ve discovered that if a cancer patient has to have surgery, to remove any type of malignancy, utilizing hypnosis, they heal faster, and they need less pain medication. So, I used it, it worked. The doctors told me I didn’t have to have the surgery. And it was like, “Dude, what else can this do?”. And, I started doing some investigating, decided that because of the rapid results with hypnosis, people will experience if it’s a fit for them, they’re going to experience results same day and said, “Wow, yeah, I want to do this and assist others”. So, 15 years ago, I became certified, a couple of years after that, obtained an additional certification as an instructor where I now train others to become hypnotherapists, our last graduating class, had a lay person like me, who was just fascinated with it, and wanted to assist others, but there was also therapists as well as doctors in the class where they wanted to be able to assist people for those same day results. So, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
Powerful Eric: Well, let me ask you this. There’s a lot of misconceptions about hypnotherapy and that it can be “whoo-whoo”, and that– what are some of the misconceptions about hypnotherapy? And are there any other words? I understand there’s other words people use for hypnotherapy.
Dawn Ferguson: Yes, the misconceptions is that, it is some sort of mind control, and that you’re going to fall underneath the spell of that person and they’re going to make you do whatever. If that were true, Eric, I would already be rich and retired, okay? Whenever I became certified 15 years ago, I had a house full of teenagers, I tried hypnotizing them to do the housework, the vacuuming, and the dishes. No. So, the mind control as maybe Hollywood has portrayed it, is not existent. Actually, people see us because they are out of control already, and they need to figure out how to take their power back. Because if you think about it, we have been conditioned to turn our power away over to people in authority.
Powerful Eric: Yes.
Dawn Ferguson: You know, when we were little kids, make mom and dad or the babysitter happy by going along with what they did. And then you get into school, and the parents go, “now make the teachers happy”. And, the way you make everybody happy is you have to solve problems, the more problems you solve, the more you get promoted in school. And then you graduate from school, and now you move into corporate. And the more problems you solve, the more you get promoted, of which points, you can’t solve problems anymore. But, the way the mind works, is that there’s a difference between solving problems and designing a life and then living it.
Powerful Eric: Oh, awesome. Oh boy, put that quote on the wall. Can you say that again?
Dawn Ferguson: Yes. That the mind is designed that you can either solve problems, or you can design a life and live it.
Powerful Eric: That’s fantastic.
Dawn Ferguson: And the challenge is with the powerful part of our mind known as the subconscious that handles all of our habits and patterns, it says it will not tolerate a void, if you take out a problem, it has to replace it with something. It’s kind of replace it with another problem.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Dawn Ferguson: I’m stressed out. I didn’t get the promotion at work, I didn’t get the raise. And so, what’s going to make me feel better? I’m going to go back to what I know is going to give me instantaneous results, which is going to be the porn. But then, the challenges, because the mines designed to solve problems, it’s going to have to turn what felt good into a problem that needs to be solved.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: Okay, so, misconceptions around hypnosis, it’s mind control, no, actually we show people how their mind works so, they can get back into control. Or can I be hypnotized? This is where it gets interesting, Eric, every time you’re in any type of emotional or feeling state, you’re in a suggestible state. And so, you feel happy, you’re open to suggestion, what will make me feel happier? You’re stressed, you’re in a suggestible state, how can I get away? So, you’re either looking to amplify or avoid. And when we deal with addictions, it’s because there’s something we want to avoid, instead of designing that life and amplifying. So, can you be hypnotized? Well, science says that you go in and out of an alpha brainwave of suggestible state also known as hypnosis, anywhere between 100 and 200 times every single day.
Powerful Eric: Amazing.
Dawn Ferguson: So, now you want to understand when you’re going into those states, what suggestions you’re accepting, and make sure that they’re the ones of living your life by design. So, that’s the major misconceptions, it’s mind control, can I be hypnotized? Will I do anything I don’t want to do? That goes along with the mind control, no, you can only utilize hypnosis to bring somebody out at their best. They’re already at their worst. You asked about–
Powerful Eric: Other words for hypnosis.
Dawn Ferguson: Yeah, meditation is the same brainwave state, if someone’s doing guided imagery, or guided visual visualization, that’s going to be hypnosis. Meditation in its true form, is not hypnosis. Hypnosis looks to make transformations, change is not enough, let’s go for the transformation. Meditation looks to quiet the mind. So, people go, “oh, Eric, I had a wonderful meditation where they took us through the woods, and there was a beautiful babbling brook”. And it’s like, “no, that’s hypnosis”, there’s guided imagery or visualization to it. It is using that symbolism to effect some sort of upgrade. If it is just quieting the mind, that is going to be true meditation. Did that answer your question?
Powerful Eric: Yes, it did. And, actually answered my next question, really, which was, you know, mindfulness is a really big catch word right now. I was going to ask; would you say hypnosis is being mindful? But, obviously, you answered that.
Dawn Ferguson: It can assist people in being mindful, that when they find that they’re being pulled out of the present into the past, “Hey, I am stressed, I’m aggravated, I got hurt, I got rejected, I’ve been abandoned”. And, they pull themselves out of the present moment into the past and say, “this is how I’ve handled it before. I’ve used porn for that quick release to have me feel a little bit better, even short term”. They’re no longer being mindful, mindful is staying in the moment and then saying, “Okay, how can we actually utilize what we’re experiencing to bring ourselves out at our best? Instead of going into the past, and using those old, unwanted, unneeded habits and patterns”, so, it can assist with mindfulness.
Powerful Eric: Okay. Well, have you ever witnessed any miracles in your 15 years of doing this, any miracles using hypnotherapy?
Dawn Ferguson: And I have to be very careful using the term miracles, because there is a branch of science and health care that says use the word miracle, you’ll get a cease and desist letter.
Powerful Eric: And cure too, they don’t like the word cure.
Dawn Ferguson: No, not at all. Have there been some rabid identity upgrades? Yes, to where someone who wasn’t able to function in his intimate relationship unless there was porn involved, it had gotten to the point that he could no longer engage with her, unless that was involved.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. That’s very common.
Dawn Ferguson: Yes, it is. And the wedding actually got cut off– called off, the upcoming wedding, the engagement was broken off. She was like, “I can no longer deal with this”, and one session, giving him a tool that he could use to bring himself out in who he wanted to be in that relationship with her, not who he was just to cope short-term using the porn, but who he really wanted to be, and what we call the core four, the for emotional needs. Yeah, the wedding got called back on after just one session.
Powerful Eric: One session?
Dawn Ferguson: Now, that doesn’t happen for everybody and I, whenever I work with anybody who has a behavior that they could label addictive, because I don’t label it, they do.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: I tell them, “you’re going to get results from your very first session. And maybe that’s all you need. If you need additional, it’s going to be up to you”, because it’s all about transfer of power and authority. They’ve been stripped emotionally of what they need to bring themselves out of their best. They don’t need another person telling them, “well, it’s going to take this many sessions and you need this package”. No, it’s time for them to start experiencing the control that they’ve been looking for.
Powerful Eric: Yes, and using the word addiction, that’s just the word I use because people know it. But, there’s a big debate, or a huge debate about, is it sex addiction? Or, is it just a bad habit? Or, is it– I think the word they’re using right now is being hyper sexual. But to me, it’s almost irrelevant on what we call it. The question is, is it negatively impacting your life?
Dawn Ferguson: And, there’s a reason, I’m glad you brought that up, and that you do call it addiction because a lot of people, that’s how they’re going to identify. And so, we do need a label, we do need something to call it. If you look at the psychological studies of people who have some sort of medical condition, and the doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong with them and it keeps getting worse and worse and worse, or symptoms get worse and worse. And then, they finally find a doctor who says, “Oh, I know what’s wrong with you. And we’re going to give it this diagnosis”. For approximately 72 hours after that diagnosis, they do feel better, because we have to have a way to identify and label it. And so, if they’re going to call it an addiction, that actually assists them, in being able to already start the healing process to get to the other side, or the hyper sexual, whatever it might be. I always tell my clients, “I’m going to go by the label that they’ve decided, it’s not up to me to tell them what they’ve got going on”. But, they do need to pick a label. Because, once we have a label, then we can say, “what’s on the other side of that label?”. Because an addict is an addict. I don’t care if you’re addicted to something that is holding you back in life, or if you’re addicted to bringing yourself out at your best. Addiction is addiction. Let’s just keep going in the right direction.
Powerful Eric: Right. Well, and that brings me to 12-step programs and many therapists and those in the medical field, say that you have a disease like, we’ll talk about alcoholism, for example. You have a disease and you have it for life. Do you think a sex or porn addict has a disease?
Dawn Ferguson: I don’t know that I would call it a disease. And this is the reason why, by the way, just my own personal story. I have not had a drink now in 18 years. Because I was an alcoholic, is this a disease I have? Not necessarily, it is a coping mechanism that does not work for me.
Powerful Eric: Yes! I love the way you said that. Yes.
Dawn Ferguson: Okay, so, I stay, if you don’t want to slip, just stay out of slippery places and don’t go hang out in bars. Do not use the alcohol, I found other ways to bring myself out at my best, or to relax myself, whatever it might be. Disease, that’s really interesting, Eric that you brought that up. Medical science tells us that we can study a disease to learn how to treat it. But, we can’t help that patient get healthy. The only way you can help somebody get healthy is by studying healthy people. And then saying, “Well, what are they doing that you’re not? Let’s get you doing that”. So, treating something like cancer is going to be much different than so saying, “okay, what is it that we need to do to give your body everything it needs to be as healthy as possible?”. Some people if they need that label, that they have a disease and they’re going to have it for life, if that helps them stay clean, I’m all for it. But, that isn’t necessarily helping them because there’s something known as being a dry drunk, I don’t know about, what the term might be in pornography to where you’re no longer using it. But, it doesn’t mean your life is any better, you may still be a complete asshole like you were before.
Powerful Eric: That’s funny. So, the program has a little mascot. And, he’s basically, he’s a little wiener with arms, and he’s looking, he’s got a smartphone, and he’s obsessively looking at his smartphone and I got a promotion going on right now, that you can name the mascot and one of the names that I got, and I love and might be the winner, we’ll see. He named him Raging Richard. And then–
Dawn Ferguson: That’s good.
Powerful Eric: Raging Richard, don’t be a dick.
Dawn Ferguson: I did not pick up that when you want to name him Richard. Oh, I love that play on words, I think you’ve got your winner right there. I think you’ve got your wiener winner.
Powerful Eric: That’s awesome.
Dawn Ferguson: So, yeah, if someone needs to say that they’ve got a disease, because that’s going to assist them, hey, I’m going to go with that label. But again, is it going to help you be healthier? That’s what we want to look at, not just stopping the dysfunction, but what’s on the other side of the dysfunction?
Powerful Eric: Yes, and, that’s the reason why I do this show because I feel like most of the addiction programs out there are not doing that.
Dawn Ferguson: No, they treat the addiction. They don’t bring the person out at the very best. Okay, can I jump in real quick with what’s known as the core four?
Powerful Eric: Of course.
Dawn Ferguson: Okay, core four. Core four basically says that we have for emotional needs. The first one is for certainty, we need to have certain things that we can count on. Because when we get stressed, when life begins to fall apart, those are going to be the actions that soothes us. But you know, if life is too soothing, it gets real boring. So, the one up from that is variety. We need a lot of different experiences coming our way, if we get bored. This is you know, and social media knows this. This is the reason why they come at you with so many different images, because they’re hooking you with that variety. Then after variety, you’re going, “Hey, pay attention to me”, and so you have a level of worthiness, “I’m important, I matter”, and then after that, validation. Validation shows up a couple of different ways, love, but if we can’t get the love that we’re looking for, we’ll settle for just connection. If we do something, and it meets just one of those needs, we’ll probably never do it again, if we do something and it meets two of those needs, we’ll go back to it occasionally, if it meets three of those needs, yeah, it’s compulsive behavior. If it’s meeting all four, we’ll engage in it again and again and again. If we think about porn, we’re certain that it’s going to get us relief.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: A lot of variety with it.
Powerful Eric: Importance, I matter, maybe out in the regular world I got rejected by somebody, someone else didn’t come through for me, but hey, what I got on this screen in front of me right now, they’re making me feel like I matter. No pun intended, no, pun intended, they make me feel like a big shot, money shot, okay? And then, after that, we’re craving love, but we feel like we can’t get it, there’s so much shame and guilt over what we just did. So, we’ll settle for the connection, and we’ll settle for the connection of going back to it again and again.
Powerful Eric: Right. And that variety, you’re so dead on. The research that I’ve done into this, is that, that is one of the huge reasons why people get addicted to porn, because your brain is always looking for mates, you’re looking for a mate. And the screen shows, “Oh, here’s a new mate”. And then the screen, you go to another screen, “here’s a new mate, here’s a new mate, here’s a new mate”, and so it never ends.
Dawn Ferguson: Right. But that the way those core four show up, that can lead us into having challenges, are the same way that they can show up to help us get to what’s on the other side. So, we learn what is it that we need to have in our lives to be certain whenever we feel stressed out. How can we get a variety of experiences, without having to tune into something digital? That worthiness that we do matter and finding those important relationships, which is one of the reasons why 12-step groups can assist people long-term because they’re developing those relationships. It’s just not necessarily relationships that are going to bring them out of their healthiest and then, learning to experience the love that we have for ourselves. That guilt is good. Guilt says, you violated a value, shame, never helped anyone because shame says there’s something wrong with us.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. In my 20 years, in virtually, every 12-step program you can imagine, I’ve been in. That was, by far the best part, was the fellowship that was developed there, that would, in my opinion, is the biggest, best part of 12-step programs. Ultimately, it really did not work for me, and I found mindfulness and other things. But, that is definitely, if you’re going to stay in a 12-step program that, in my opinion would be the biggest reason why, the fellowship that’s developed.
Dawn Ferguson: And, I was working with a woman that was having a challenge in this area. She led a company where she was in a male dominated field and, to be accepted in that field, she had to be seen as one of the guys and so, going out, drinking and, she took that identity pretty serious, that masculine identity. And so, just like a guy can start looking at porn, she did also. I’m not saying women who look at porn and have challenges with it, have a masculine identity, but because of the field she was in, it led to more masculine problems. When we were working together, that’s one of the things that she was missing, Eric, was the support system. And so, it was, “don’t go out looking for the other guys. I want you to start getting engaged and start engaging in activities outside of your work, where other women are and start looking at developing friendships there”. It only took her a few months of doing that and saying who might want to go to the movies or go out for lunch or dinner, and as she did that, she needed less and less of the porn until it was no longer needed in her life. So, for her, it was the addiction. But, it was because she was missing that support system.
Powerful Eric: Right. Well, we’ve been talking– obviously, this is a serious top topic here. Let’s take a step back. Do you have any interesting or crazy stories about people you work with or your personal life? Something like that?
Dawn Ferguson: Well, you know, utilizing hypnosis, you never know what’s going to show up because we use something that’s known as parts therapy for inner conflict resolution.
Powerful Eric: Okay.
Dawn Ferguson: And, it basically says we have all these different parts to us. So, for example, Eric, when, how old is your baby now?
Powerful Eric: Actually, he’s coming up on six months, actually.
Dawn Ferguson: Oh, six months. So, when you’re with him, you’re the nurturing daddy that a six-month-old needs.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: That is not the part of your personality that comes out when you’re in an intimate moment with your partner, okay? It’s also not the part of your personality that comes out whenever you’re doing the podcast, right? So, we all have these different aspects to ourselves, we have a challenge when those aspects get into a disagreement, okay?
Powerful Eric: Okay.
Dawn Ferguson: And so, working with a woman who was having a challenge with how she was eating sticks of butter, okay?
Powerful Eric: Sticks of butter.
Dawn Ferguson: Sticks of butter, and she would eat in a way where it was very public, and people would point and laugh at her.
Powerful Eric: Oh boy.
Dawn Ferguson: And you’re like, “what sane individual would do this?”. Well, it’s not whether or not we’re sane, it’s what part of her personality learn that coping mechanism.
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Dawn Ferguson: So, hypnotizing her and asking her to go back to the time when her mind first decided she should eat sticks of butter. She was like three or four, big family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins would come over every Sunday for dinner. She was the youngest in the family, got completely overlooked, and she learned one day, she got out of her chair and she started running around the table, and the people were stopping and hollering at her. And she reached up, there was a stick of butter right there, she reached up, she grabbed it, and she shoved the entire thing in her mouth. Now, when you have a three-year-old do that, people are going to laugh at you, right?
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Dawn Ferguson: She learned at three years old to get attention, to eat inappropriately in a way where people could see it and laugh.
Powerful Eric: Oh my gosh.
Dawn Ferguson: Okay. For her, it was a great relief, for me, I’m going because she’s interacting with me why she’s in a hypnotic state, as well as the three-year-old that we brought out. And I’m like, “you cannot make this stuff up”.
Powerful Eric: Eating an entire stick of butter. Oh.
Dawn Ferguson: But, that’s how you get attention, right?
Powerful Eric: Yeah.
Dawn Ferguson: And for the three-year-old, people laughed at her in a way that was humorous. Now as an adult, people are shaming her, the three-year-old didn’t understand that. So, it was like, okay, the very creative part of her mind, finding other ways that she could bring joy to somebody’s life, she wounds up signing up for improv comedy classes, and learning to do that. And when she did that, she no longer needed to eat in a way where people pointed and laughed at her. Now, she’s bringing in joy through her stand-up comedy routines.
Powerful Eric: That’s incredible. That’s awesome. That’s a great story.
Dawn Ferguson: It is, but we never know what potential was locked inside of us, we started taking actions, because there was something we needed. But, those actions as time went on turned dysfunctional. Well, the need is still there, let’s just find a way to bring you out at your best. Now, one other quick story. One of the techniques we use is something called the bus, we hypnotize someone, and when I say we, it’s either myself or my partner Drew. And we ask them to imagine that there’s a bus that they’re on with all these other people and that one of the people slides in next to the seat that they’re in, and it’s the part of their personality that’s having the problem. And now, they can have a dialogue or conversation with that part of them. So, there was one guy that I’m like, “okay, you’re on the bus”, and he’s like, “No, I’m not”. I’m like, “okay, really, why? Let’s go on”, and he didn’t go on, and he said, “the bus is full of everybody having a really good time. And it’s– I’m at the bus stop, but the doors are closed, and they won’t let me on”. And I’m like, “okay, who told you that you had to be shut out of life?”. And he had been through a trauma when he was a young adult. And he felt like he had to shut everything off, feeling any of those emotions, shut it all off, so, he wouldn’t be traumatized by it again. And yet, and that’s what the bus represented, but yet, actually getting on the bus was also the fun aspects of him. So, when he shut off the trauma, he shut off everything. And so, we actually had to convince the bus driver to let him on the bus. So…
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: That’s a couple of stories using parts therapy and hypnosis.
Powerful Eric: Yeah. Well, how can hypnosis help a sex or porn addict?
Dawn Ferguson: That’s a good question. Well, let me ask you this, Eric, why did you decide, we’ve been friends for a long time, you know, we enjoy going out for our lunches, I’m looking forward to the next one. Why did you think, knowing the small amount you did about hypnosis, why did you think that this might be something where Drew or I needed to be on here?
Powerful Eric: Well, mindfulness is a big part of the program that we put guys through that are addicted to sex and porn. And I knew that hypnosis fell under that umbrella, but I wasn’t exactly sure where.
Dawn Ferguson: Okay, so, when you’re dealing with mindfulness, what I love about that aspect is it works with the entire identity, mentally, emotionally and physically. To be mindful, you have to be able to keep your focus, you have to understand the emotions that are coming through, and then the actions that you take physically are going to be the ones to stay in that state of mindfulness. To be able to maintain it. Most people know of hypnosis for behavioral modification, that bottom level, “hey, I used to smoke, and I used hypnosis and I’m a healthy non-smoker, or I reduced my weight”, whatever it might be. Hypnosis is excellent for behavioral modification, as far as stopping something, and then finding a replacement for it that’s healthy. But, then it goes along with what you’re doing. Because for me, that’s not enough. Then there’s the emotional optimization, the emotions that run through us, we’re not going to get rid of them. So, what are we going to do with it? So, hypnosis can take that stress that overwhelm, that fear and actually turn it into extra energy to bring ourselves out at our best. And then, mentally, we’re dealing with some beliefs that we may not be aware that are there, which is what I was talking about, just a little bit ago, with the butter, that was a belief. People need to point and laugh at me when I eat, I need to bring joy to somebody’s life that way. So, hypnosis can work with uncovering what the beliefs are, and then not getting rid of them, but actually upgrading them just like we did with our comedian who’s doing her stand-up now. So, that’s how hypnosis can assist someone to upgrade their identity.
Powerful Eric: Okay, and you kind of answered this with your answer just now, but what do you think guys that are still acting out compulsive sex or porn, need to know?
Dawn Ferguson: That, number one, the mind will not tolerate a void. So, what do you want to replace it with? You just can’t say, “stop doing that”. So, what do you want to replace it with that is going to assist you with the emotions that you’re experiencing right now? Then, the second thing would be, putting together a plan of when you get triggered, what are you going to do when the triggers show up? Because they aren’t going away.
Powerful Eric: Right.
Dawn Ferguson: And then the final thing is, it takes 91 days for what’s known as an identity upgrade. This means, not that you’re 91 days clean. It means that 91 days, you continuously say, “I’m going to get to the other side. I’m going to move past this. I’m going to bring myself out at my best”. And you do that for three months, you’ve activated it in an area of your brain where now you’re moving into leadership, leading yourself instead of being controlled by painful past.
Powerful Eric: Love it. Dawn, as you know, the show is not just about breaking addictions, it’s about breaking belief systems and creating a great life. What is a belief around addictions that needs to be broken?
Dawn Ferguson: That w’ere broken, that we’re flawed, that there’s something wrong with us. There’s a difference between me and the actions that I take. And the actions I take are simply because something’s missing in my life, and I simply don’t know how to get what I need. So, I’m going to go back to what I know. As I said earlier, guilt is good guilt, guilt lets us know when we have violated a value. We feel guilty if we steal from from someone, we feel guilty if we tell a lie, unless it’s your significant others saying, “does this dress make my butt look big?”, okay, that you’re allowed, no guilt there, okay? But so, guilt can actually be good, as long as we have the appropriate values, but shame, we need to break the back of lack in our life. We were born to be magnificent, and there is nothing that we’ve done that can ever take away that light and that brilliance. Even people– I have worked with some offenders that are doing time that have committed some horrific acts, maybe around a drug addiction, and robberies and things like that. And now, they’re on the inside leading groups of men to actually be their very best. The circumstance does not define our destiny. We choose how we’re going to use what we’ve been through.
Powerful Eric: I love what you’re saying, and that we are born to be magnificent. And how can someone who is currently struggling with sex or porn addiction or any addiction for that matter, how can they be magnificent and how can they create a great life?
Dawn Ferguson: Well, they can reach out to us, we always have a no charge consultation where they’re going to walk away with some sort of strategy that they can implement right away for feeling better, and then, we can decide from that phone call whether or not we should move forward. So, typically we say, “do not email on us on any type of addiction, you need to reach out to us direct”, because sometimes emails can be looked at by other people, and then that can just create more shame because, sometimes we might be dealing with someone who’s calling out that they have a challenge for the first time, and we don’t want that email to be read. So, they can reach out to us at 636-699-7791, they can send us a text that just says the word, “consult” to 636-699-7791 and then we’ll get back on, “hey, you know, what time works best for you?”. So, either way, but we recommend picking up the phone, don’t put this in writing because we don’t want to create more problems.
Powerful Eric: Do you have a website that people can learn more about?
Dawn Ferguson: Most definitely, actually, we have a website where you can sign up to get a gifted hypnosis audio, where it can assist you in making some simple upgrades right away and that’s going to be drewdawnferguson.com, so I’ll spell that, D-R-E-W-D-A-W-N, F as in Frank, E-R-G-U-S-O-N.com.
Powerful Eric: So, that’s drewdawnferguson.com. So, check it out. Dawn, this has been awesome. I’m so glad you came on the show. And just, thanks for being here.
Dawn Ferguson: So, I have one question for you now Eric.
Powerful Eric: Okay.
Dawn Ferguson: Okay. What is the one thing, we’ve been talking about beliefs and the behaviors, what’s the one thing that you want your audience to remember today?
Powerful Eric: The message that they are magnificent beings. How did you put it?
Dawn Ferguson: That they are born magnificent.
Powerful Eric: Yes.
Dawn Ferguson: They’ve got a brilliance that they’re supposed to be lighting up the world with, and there’s just some things that they’re doing right now that’s dimming their light.
Powerful Eric: Yeah, they’re born magnificent and then this addiction buries it. So, that’s what I want the listeners to get, that they are magnificent, they’re just buried in this addiction and they can get out.
Dawn Ferguson: Exactly.
Powerful Eric: And whether you believe this or not, it does not change the fact that you are an unlimited, infinitely wise, powerful, eternal creator of reality!